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Karl Rove Henchmen Thought to Be Behind Gingrich Castration

December 19
02:48 2011
Dear Dirty NewswireIOWA — Newt Gingrich has allegedly checked into an undisclosed hospital in Iowa after Karl Rove’s henchmen cut off the GOP candidate’s testicles late Saturday evening. The details are fuzzy, and the only source blaming the grotesque castration of Gingrich’s privates is, unsurprisingly, Gingrich himself.

Gingrich’s lone campaign staffer was not around when the incident happened. According to the sputtering, bewildered Newt, the violent action happened at a trucker cafe just outside Des Moines. “I was halfway done with my medium rare steak, so I untucked my napkin from my collar and headed to the men’s room to let out a little pressure. Two men entered after me, held me down on the floor. They pulled out a hunting knife and disabled me.”

He’s blaming Karl Rove for the attack. Pundits had recently blamed Rove for supporting Romney and lashing out at Gingrich. “Rove did a hit job on me, and now I’m severely disfigured,” Gingrich said. “The terrifying reality is still setting in.”

Ever since Gingrich performed the Truffle Shuffle for a large audience of Iowan voters, he surged in the polls. The FCC later banned the video of the dance calling it “nightmarish and offensive.”

Gingrich called an ambulance and was escorted by police to an undisclosed location where he is currently being treated. The candidate has been described as delirious and “out of touch with reality”, as the local sheriff put it at an emergency press conference. “He’d been traumatized very badly. We’re hunting down the perpetrators, but so far we don’t have much to go on. Why this candidate was dining in a truck stop by himself, we don’t really know yet, but we’re putting the details together.”

The sheriff admitted he didn’t think Rove was behind the crime, but instead a few “rowdy liberal truckers” cornered the candidate and “had their way with him.” The sheriff refused to answer one reporter’s question about if there really existed any liberal truckers.

Gingrich claimed to have secretly flown to Iowa to engage in political discussions with those accusing him of being a jumble of intellectual shit. “I came to straighten out a few detractors of the Newt campaign,” he said from his hospital bed, “but Karl Rove’s henchmen stopped me before my persuasive arguments could be heard.”

Gingrich also said he is still running for president, and this attack would not deter the “momentous progress” his campaign has made so far. “I’m still a man,” he said, “maybe now more than ever. Don’t think this cowardly, pitiful attack could truly neuter me or my campaign.” Pundits are unsure if Newt’s campaign can survive this bad publicity.

Callista Gingrich, Newt’s third wife, has not stated how she feels about the disfiguring attack on her husband.

Karl Rove’s lawyers stated their client had “absolutely nothing” to do with Gingrich’s castration. They called the accusation “an absurd, shocking, and stupid attack”.

Newt’s testicles are also being sought after. “No trace of them,” the sheriff said. “We checked the bathroom’s trash cans, and the dumpster out back. We’re hoping they turn up soon so they can be reattached. At least that’s the way I understood it.”

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