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Rev Al Sharpton Suffers Two Broken Legs After Being Lifted Halfway To Heaven & Dropped

July 01
21:31 2012
ASSOCIATED PULP



LOS ANGELES — In what some are calling a display of the end of times, and what others are labeling a botched modern day Elijah story, reports have been made that the reverend Al Sharpton was beamed in the head by a powerful ray of light and soon afterward effortlessly lifted upward to Heaven. Tragically, between one and two hundred feet high, the magical, glorious beam of light let go of Sharpton, who then fell kicking and screaming to the pavement.

Sharpton, having wrapped up another rousing eulogy at Rodney King’s funeral in Los Angeles Saturday, was out having breakfast at an undisclosed establishment in the Westside, when the incident happened as he walked to his Lexus in the restaurant parking lot. Sharpton had one friend with him, and so far no other witnesses have come forward to offer their story.

“At first the reverend ascended quietly. He didn’t make a sound. Like he knew he was going on home to be with his Lord. Then I gave him a thumbs up and kind of shouted because I was so excited to be there, watching Al Sharpton, my dear friend and international race activist, being taken to Heaven like Elijah. The reverend often talked about Elijah.”

As soon as Sharpton’s friend made that joyful whoop, the reverend became excited, too. “Al started preaching and hollering, like only Al knows how to do, in that yapping voice that sounds like a small dog barking. That voice so many of us have come to love.”

The reverend began kicking his legs, also, and waving his arms. “Far as I could tell, he was preaching the good news from on high. He was probably one hundred fifty, to two hundred feet in the air at that time.”

But the Good Lord dropped Sharpton at that point, according to the friend. Sharpton fell like a “ton of bricks”. He might have been too heavy, as he reportedly ate a “boatload of pancakes and home fries.” His polished leather cowboy boots kicked the whole way down. The friend, shaking his head, said, “Nobody has any explanation for this, and it’s really tore us up since this morning. We’ve been in the hospital waiting for good news.”

Sharpton, according to the first doctor’s reports, has two broken legs and multi-fractured foot bones. “It’s just a damn shame,” the friend said. “It’s almost like once Al started yapping, like he does, God don’t want him no more and just let him go.”

Sharpton’s friend, in a typical display of the normal enthusiasm and loyalty the reverend’s followers and friends have for him, told reporters that Al would probably call this incident “an occurrence where God once again forgets just how big and mighty he is, up there in the grand old blue sky, and that like a young boy holding a newborn kitten, just doesn’t realize how strong he is, and how weak and frail the animal he’s holding is.”

Nobody knows how the reverend will react to being compared to a newborn kitten, but one thing is for certain so far: no statements or confirmations from Sharpton or his family have been released.

Sharpton is both widely praised and criticized for his race relations activism. Some say he’s paved the way for African-Americans, while others say he is the gasoline on an ever-burning tension and rage between races. The reverend hosts his own show, Keepin’ It Real, and is often featured on CNN, MSNBC, and FOX News.

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