Dear Dirty America

Dear Dirty NewswireWASHINGTON — Many American travelers have decried the TSA’s right to scan images of their bodies and do cavity searches at will. Many have called the TSA’s actions an intrusion of privacy and a blow to the US citizen’s Constitutional rights. The US Dept of Health, however, views the TSA as an opportunity to combat the growing problem of testicular cancer in American males.

In a campaign the Health dept has called, While You’re Down There…, they’ve teamed up with the TSA to assist in giving young men their much needed testicular inspection.

“We’ve asked the TSA to dig just a little bit deeper when they do their searches on holiday travelers this year. They’re trained officials, they wear latex gloves, and they’ve already got their hands in the right places to do efficient and effective checks for testicular cancer,” said a Health dept spokesman who wished to remain anonymous.

Testicular cancer is most often found in males between the ages of 15-35. Although it is rarer than other cancers, it can be deadly if not caught early. If diagnosed in its beginning stages, however, testicular cancer can usually be cured.

“Most young men are not thinking about cancer. They’re thinking about their jobs and girls and cars, but we found they aren’t doing regular monthly testicle checks in the shower, like our department has suggested for decades. We’ve asked the TSA to step in this holiday season and give an examination to any male they’re already searching,” said the spokesman.

The Health dept will do a quick two-hour training session for all TSA employees (they will be compensated for taking the course) to learn to detect any abnormal testicular growths that would signal the beginnings of testicular cancer.

“The TSA has opened their arms to us this season and they are enthusiastic to help us out, and help out the American public. We are thankful to them for keeping us safe from terrorists. Testicular cancer is a threat to national security, also, if you look at it that way,” the spokesman said. “We want to take advantage of the large numbers of holiday travelers. If we can save one life by detecting testicular cancer in its early stages, we’ll consider this campaign successful.”

The TSA has not responded to Dear Dirty America’s phone calls.

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