Dear Dirty America

DDA

GW Bush Offers Dick Cheney Osama bin Laden’s Old Heart for Transplant

May 17
12:30 2012
DEAR DIRTY NEWSWIRE

TEXAS — Former president George W Bush offered his condolences to his former vice president’s struggles with his heart transplant. He assured the family that he and Laura were ready at a moment’s notice to assist the Cheney family however they could.


“I’ve listened to Dick’s dilemma, and I’m convinced he’ll pull through this one,” Bush Jr said in a private broadcast from his Texas home. Dick Cheney is still in critical condition, and his ankles and wrists are tied to his bed at his home in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, after earlier this week he exhibited behavior closely resembling that of a randy pig.

“He hasn’t talked to me yet, but we’ll talk,” Bush said. “When he gets enough strength, he’ll tell me what it’s like to go through this ordeal. But until then me and Laura, we’re on standby here at the ranch and we’ll help out any way we can.”

Behind Bush the infamous jar holding Osama bin Laden’s heart could be seen setting atop the living room’s fireplace mantle. The heart had been gifted to Bush by President Barack Obama after the strike in Pakistan successfully killed the former head of Al Qaeda. In an act of bi-partisan goodwill, Obama presented the heavy heart in a large glass jar to Bush in his home in Crawford.

Bush eventually mentioned the heart by cocking a thumb over his shoulder. “I look at that terrorist’s ticker, and I think of my good friend and his recent medical problems. I started saying to myself that a ticker’s a ticker. That’s an old Texas saying, but it means, a heart is just a heart. It’s the man’s head and mind and faith that misuses the heart.”

The former president seemed to get embarrassed at that point in the video. He scratched his face and his cheeks turned red. “I mean, the heart’s not evil just because it’s pumping the blood of an evildoer. The heart’s just a pump,” he said in his specially candid way. “It’s a real specialized pump.”

George Bush made a rather touching pause to say he’d be willing to give up his most prized possession if it would be the key to “fixing his old friend, Dick.” He’d unscrewed the lid and dipped his finger many-a-time into “special chemical solution” and felt a surge of energy. “There might be something left in that heart, and if Dick can use it, he can have it.”

Bush doubted the heart could be of use, though, not after being out of the body for over a year. “But getting a new donor’s hard,” he said. “We’re all praying, one way or another.”

DEAR DIRTY NEWSWIRE

Newt Gingrich and lone staffer dine and dash from McDonald’s

White House hires creative counselor to help lawmakers imagine what joblessness feels like

24 Pakistani soldiers brought back to life after US apologizes for killing them

The Dear Dirty Newswire spits out surreal news items blending truthful ideas with a satirical premise. Nobody can control the old newswire from sputtering and printing barely readable, inky pages of news. DDA’s editors and administrators never dare question what it produces. 

“Like” Dear Dirty America on Facebook

Related Articles

0 Comments

No Comments Yet!

There are no comments at the moment, do you want to add one?

Write a comment

Write a Comment

Leave a Reply

Subscribe

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Dear Dirty America Copyright

© Dear Dirty America, 2011-2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Dear Dirty America with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.