Dear Dirty America

PULP WIRE

As news of rapid shooting and explosions were reported very early Friday night, the Boston Marathon Bombing story turned crazier and more surreal every minute. With Boston on lockdown, 19-year old Dzhokhar Tsarnaev and his 26-year old brother, Tamerlan, managed to tie up the police force of an entire city and cause multiple injuries to over a dozen officers. While most people are intimidated by the violence, others, such as trained military personnel, can’t help but admire the superhuman abilities of these seemingly untrained, lackadaisical Chechen characters.

“How two young suspects without any formal combat training could bring an entire city like Boston to its knees, I don’t know,” said a former Navy SEAL named Jeff Steaman. “And when the older brother was taken out, that 19-year old still managed to tie up the Boston Police Department, SWAT teams, members of the National Guard, and heavily-armed agents from Department of Homeland Security.”

Steaman admits that he admired the skills, courage, and poise of a 19-year old that could wage that brand of lethal combat against multiple factions of America’s best and armed officers. Dzhokhar and Tamerlan were reported to have been throwing explosive devices of their SUV and firing back at police cruisers in hot pursuit.

“If our elite forces could, as individuals, cause that widespread ruckus and manage to stay alive through it all, and tie up a thousand trained police officers and special units members, this country wouldn’t have had its ass handed to it by Vietnam or Iraq. Those parties would have been over in months,” Steaman hypothesized.

The former SEAL was careful to admit he didn’t condone violence against American citizens, but he was a sucker for miraculous, nearly impossible displays of combat, especially from punk kids who smoked too much weed, like Dzhokhar did, according to his Twitter accounts, and from stories from people who knew him.

“I imagine Dzhokhar taking rips off a blunt and shooting at police behind him while his brother drove that SUV with his knees because he was too busy juggling rigged pressure cookers on his lap and chucking the homemade explosives out the windows.”

As Salon reported a friend of the brothers saying: “Dzhokhar likes the chronic.” He said he never discussed politics, preferring to talk about rappers.

Jeff Steaman had to chuckle at that.