Dear Dirty America


Obama: War with Iran Would Even Create Jobs in Detroit

February 07
12:30 2012
Dear Dirty Newswire

WASHINGTON — President Obama hinted in his weekly address at where he stood on the escalating tensions with Iran. Always finding a bright spot in every situation, the president said, “War with Iran would help create jobs even in Detroit.” Obama’s statement comes on the heels of US Defense Secretary Leon Panetta’s concern that Israel would launch an attack on Iran this spring.

If Israel were to bomb Iran, the United States would be soon to follow suit. Currently, US battleships squirm through the Strait of Hormuz as the west approves of stricter sanctions on Iran. Moby Dick allegedly sank one US battleship already, but the Navy has not been forthright with the details.

“War is never a first option for Israel or the United States,” Pres Obama said steadily into his webcam, “but if it comes to that between our nations and Iran, which we’re hoping it doesn’t, it would create a lot of jobs for America. America’s factories could fire up once again, and this time, these jobs wouldn’t be sent to China and Indonesia. War with Iran would create a lot of good paying jobs, which would, needless to say, be good for our economy, which is on the mend anyway. We could at least get Detroit’s unemployment rate down to around 20 percent.”

The president’s words were met with confusion and dismay. Many thought he was making a bad joke. “Why kick Detroit when it’s down?” asked one man who once lived in Detroit, but like most other people from that ruined city, left a couple years ago.

Others said Obama’s comments were hopeful. They imagined a manufacturing boom like in the old days as America went to war against Germany, Italy, and Japan. “Detroit’s unemployment rate is around 50 percent, if you count all the folks who aren’t looking for work no longer. And those who can only get a few hours a month,” said a pimp from Detroit’s metro area. “Everybody left the city pretty much except for the congressmen, pimps, whores, and the drug dealers.”

The pimp said he was still doing enough business to stay in Detroit, as long as the congressmen and politicians didn’t leave. “I just got this new suit,” he said. “It’s bright purple.”

Peculiarly enough, the buses still run in Detroit, and the bus drivers are frightened for their lives. “We have nobody to pick up, because there ain’t no place to go,” one bus driver said. He refused to give his name for fear he would be fired from his job.

“We drive our routes day after day, but there ain’t been nobody riding for at least 2 years. People just started tapering off since the late eighties, and finally nobody’s left. But the city still pays us. I spend my money on liquor and whores and guns and political donations to keep the buses running. That’s it.”

The bus driver admitted he doesn’t actually live within Detroit’s city limits. “You got to be crazy to do that,” he said. “Roving mobs of thugs and young men looking for precious metals and gold teeth fillings. Anything to buy food for the week.” The first people the gangs go after are the bus drivers, according to the source.


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