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SHOCKING: Dick Cheney’s Doctor Makes Startling Admission

May 15
16:30 2012
DEAR DIRTY NEWSWIRE

JACKSON, WY — Dick Cheney’s primary doctor was forced into the harsh spotlight this morning with confused questions from the public about what was causing the former VP’s strange, offensive behavior.  Their client’s heart was not what the Cheney family thought it was.

Dr Grangum told reporters in a hasty news conference that the “family, bless their hearts, were deliberately misinformed about the kind of heart Mr Cheney would be receiving.” The doctor shifted nervously and re-situated his tight green plastic skullcap. “We may have made a big mistake, but at the time…” he said, holding out his hands.

The doctor launched into a lengthy, fast-paced story about the original heart donated and ready to be implanted into Dick Cheney was left out of the cooler for too long, and was, unfortunately, destroyed. “Nothing like that had every happened,” the doctor said, “before, but here we were, with this powerful, famous man on his way into the hospital, expecting a heart transplant. And we were holding a thawed, dead hunk of muscle that had, only hours before, been a perfectly functioning heart.”

When the Cheney’s arrived, Dr Grangum and his specialized team panicked. They “brainstormed possible solutions” and discovered one, last-ditch “shot in holy hell” to make “this thing right.” Dr Grangum admitted they’d used a pig’s heart in place of the original, donated human one.

The reporters erupted with surprised and horrified questions. The doctor eventually shushed them and lectured the small group about how closely a pig’s organs are to a human’s. “Very, very much alike. Eighty-seven out of one hundred times, a human organ could be replaced by a pig’s and no problems would ensue. There are those rare, let me stress, very rare, times that the inhabitant of the new organ, exhibits behaviors of the organ’s host creature. We think this is the problem.”

Dr Grangum quickly stressed that while Mr Cheney’s behavior is “embarrassing and grotesque”, it shouldn’t be considered a fatal, or “terribly life changing” event. “We should not judge Mr Cheney for any of his actions. We should have sympathy for him,” he said. “With plenty of therapy, the former vice president will likely learn to overcome the irresistible desires of an animal — more specifically, a pig — and get his true personality back in check.”

The doctor took questions for five minutes before loudly excusing himself to be at service to the Cheney family in their time of great need. One question he seemed very reluctant to answer was, Will the former vice president need a new heart? “As of yet,” Grangum answered, “not yet. We will be monitoring his situation closely.”

He is expected to provide further detail into how such a ghastly mistake could have happened to one of the nation’s most prominent citizens.

Cheney’s family has still not released an official statement, but a team of specialists are assisting Mr Cheney as his family flies in from around the country to be at his bedside. Former president George W Bush is expected to make an official announcement about the matter within a day or two.

The former vice president made headlines in the alternative news networks early this morning as rumors swirled online that he was acting very strangely. His wife, Lynne, likened her husband’s actions to that of a “farm animal”, and it was first reported here. A local policeman, who’d arrived on scene at the Cheney’s residence, accidentally captured her frenzied phone call and her words aired over the police scanner.

Swiss psychologists landed only minutes ago at the Cheney ranch to help diagnose the former VP’s erratic behavior, which a close friend of the family described as plopping “in a large mudhole” and “sliding his genitals over the grass”. Even less flattering imagery accidentally provided by Mrs Cheney as, “wallowing in his own fecal matter.”

DEAR DIRTY NEWSWIRE

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The Dear Dirty Newswire spits out surreal news items blending truthful ideas with a satirical premise. Nobody can control the old newswire from sputtering and printing barely readable, inky pages of news. DDA’s editors and administrators never dare question what it produces. 

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