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Drone Strikes Halal, Obama Assures Skeptical American Public

Drone Strikes Halal, Obama Assures Skeptical American Public
September 15
17:07 2013

PULP WIRE

After crushing public criticism after badgering the nation to support a hurried proposal to carry out a strike on Syria, the beleaguered Obama administration seems desperate to win back the American people’s trust. As Russian President, Vladimir Putin emerges as the diplomatic hero, there is angst brewing in Washington to appear both tough, yet considerate over its foreign policies.

On Sunday, President Obama assured the nation that his frequent, widespread use of deadly drone strikes is not only justified in taking out “significant threats posed by Islamic radicals aiming their hatred at America”, but that the way the strikes are carried out are as “permissible”, or Halal, by Islamic law, as they possibly can be.

Just as the US Navy dumped Osama bin Laden’s body into the sea to respect his religion, so to does the Obama administration respect and apply the culture’s belief of humanely slaughtering animals to its policy of hunting down perceived terrorists.

For meat to be certified ‘halal’, it must be butchered in a certain way. The other animal being butchered must not be seen by the other animals. God, or Allah, must be praised just before the killing. The knife used in the slaughter is required to be very sharp, so the animal suffers no unnecessary or elongated agony.

While the president admitted not every guideline can be fulfilled, the underlying principle of “permissible” animal killing is fulfilled through decisive drone warfare, as opposed to an all-out assault that took place during the Iraq and Afghanistan invasions, where civilians watched their fellow humans being killed, maimed, and tortured, and their neighborhoods and markets destroyed.

“I’ve had our procedures vetted by a bright team of Intermediate Islamic scholars from good schools across America, and I’m confident that our drone policy is permissible under regular Islamic law,” the president said of his considerate drone policies.

His team of student experts has been labeled the Islamic Connection Corner, and their goal is to introduce ideas that promote smarter, sharper invasions of the Middle East. Their small office is in the basement of the White House, where the students meet twice a semester to go over past drone strikes, and work out the details for future, planned attacks.

“The reason I’m so confident,” president Obama said, squaring with the American people, “is that these strikes are carried out instantly. They are swift. They are decisive. Nobody sees it coming. This type of necessary military action is more humane and more considerate than ever before in United States’ history.”

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Good Americans, like yourselves, at work

But isn’t halal specifically applied to animals, and in terms of meat? And isn’t the butchering supposed to be carried out by a Muslim? The questions, coming from a major network reporter, seemed hostile, but the president’s placid demeanor didn’t appear roiled.

“I think I’ve already touched upon that, but I’ll be happy to go over it again,” he answered. “The principles of halal are what we’re shooting for, and I think we’ve done a pretty darn good job at achieving them.

“Secondly, about the, uh, strikes, being carried out by a Muslim, I’ll reiterate that we cannot follow every guideline. That’s not the point. But if you want to get technical, then let me assure you by and large, most of the strikes are carried out by Christians in military bases based in good places, like Kansas and Oklahoma. In other words they are done by People of the Book.”

Whether or not these revelations will assuage the American people’s fears about more advanced, complicated US military entanglements around the globe has yet to be seen, but some analysts think the president’s word may have a buoyant effect on his sinking approval ratings.

[‘drone in sky’ photo by Todd Huffman; words added by DDA]

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