Dear Dirty America

Dear Dirty NewswireOHIO–A Catholic priest in Lincoln, Ohio has started a strange campaign that has some parishioners scratching their heads. Father Richard Vincent has been telling the worshipers in his church to stop placing the Holy Bible next to their toilets and toilet plungers. He calls the placement of the “holiest of holies” in such close proximity to where human waste is “dumped and disposed of” disgraceful.

“I’m not coming at people with an angry message, but a message of hope and enlightenment. See, I too used to keep an old copy next to my toilet plunger. One day I had a flash from the Lord. He showed me white light radiating from the Bible, and an ugly brownish red color from the plunger,” Father Vincent told a local radio show host.

Vincent is busy booking local radio shows and attempting to get on TV to spread his message. “This is important, because if you’re asking why God hates America these days, it’s that most of his followers in this country keep their Bibles next to their shitters.”

Vincent’s use of an expletive on local air radio caused more of a stir than his campaign to get American Christians to move their holy books out of their toilets and away from their bathrooms.

“The message is slow to catch on, but God tests all his most faithful servants. Remember Moses and the bush? Nobody listened to Moses, and still, he talked to God personally. Well, we don’t talk to God like that anymore, but if you be quiet and you open your heart you’ll hear Him. And he’s telling us to move his Word away from the can.”

Father Vincent has placed calls to the Vatican without any success. He wishes to reach Pope Benedict XVI to plea with the highest Catholic head to help with disseminating the message.

A Protestant minister who wished to be anonymous weighed in on Father Vincent’s urgent proposals. “The Bible is holy, yes, but it is information, just words, and that’s important to remember. Yes, if you trash a Bible on purpose, it’s a sin, but if folks want to keep the book next to their toilet so they can read it while they’re in the bathroom, that’s OK.” The minister is considered by his parishioners to be an expert.

DEAR DIRTY NEWSWIRE

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