Dear Dirty America

The soldiers were killed by a NATO helicopter attack, and would have been one of the deadliest attacks for Pakistani security forces by the U.S.-led coalition, had the apology not brought back to life the dead service members.

An anonymous source close to Allen admitted he didn’t think the General’s apology would actually mean anything. “Nobody could have predicted this, but I guess that’s the best possible scenario. I wouldn’t be surprised if we started apologizing more often for civilian and friendly-fire casualties,” he told reporters.

The bloody incident, which was being investigated, has now been closed. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton also weighed in on the miraculous event. “This could have been really bad for the United States’ rapport with Pakistan and the world, had Gen Allen not apologized. I want to apologize to the families of the dead, or once dead, Pakistani soldiers. The U.S. and NATO never actually means to kill any innocent people.”

Sec of Defense Leon Panetta mentioned the tragedy-turned-miracle by saying, “We’re all a little more sensitive around the holiday season, so I’m glad everything turned out all right so we don’t have to think about it over our Thanksgiving weekend.”

Gen Allen went on to say, “I apologized real hard, and we closed this matter without further incident. I’m glad, too, because this could have started a war with one of our battered allies.”

Before its soldiers were resurrected by the General’s apology, Pakistan had closed its border crossings to NATO in retaliation for an “unprovoked” and “gross violation of their country’s sovereignty.”

DEAR DIRTY NEWSWIRE

US Dept of Health asks TSA to check for testicular cancer while “down there”

Chinese counterfeit parts endanger U.S. military’s ability to kill civilians

NYPD’s Anthony Bologna hired by Syria to go nuts on protesters

White House hires counselor to help lawmakers imagine what joblessness feels like