Dear Dirty America


Newt Gingrich Spotted Stumbling Along Old US Route 50

May 04
13:00 2012

ARLINGTON, VA — Newt Gingrich was spotted aimlessly walking along old US Route 50 early this morning. Most motorists zipping by didn’t stop to check on the recently defeated Republican candidate running for the party’s nominee, but that’s probably because they didn’t recognize him.

“He looked awful,” said one motorist who did stop to check on Gingrich. Her name is Jeannette Huggins, and she’s lived in Virginia all her life. “At first I thought it was a fat slob on the side of the road, and I made a joke to my husband about him, but then we realized that slob was Newt Gingrich.”

The Huggins stopped to see if the deflated former Speaker of the House needed assistance. “He seemed very angry. His shoelaces were untied, and muddy. His suit pants were torn and looked shrunk.” Jeannette said Gingrich wore an old white t-shirt that looked yellowed with stale sweat. “A great big grape juice stain covered the belly of the shirt,” she said. “And his gut hung below the shirt.”

Gingrich refused a ride with the Huggins. He said he wasn’t actually trying to get anywhere. “His campaign van had broken down,” Jeannette said, “and he didn’t have the fifty bucks to fix it. But he said he didn’t need to get anywhere any more. Things were over.” Gingrich did say he’d take money. “He asked for a quarter. I told him he was worth at least two dollars.” Her husband gave the former Speaker a five. Newt mumbled that he needed about 20 million more.

Jeannette was so worried about Gingrich’s state of mind, she called the nearest state hospital and asked what could be done. “I’ve got a friend named Newt,” she told the hospital’s receptionist, “and he’s in a real bad way right now.”

The former candidate turned to the Huggins and excused himself, saying he needed to “drain his lizard.” Gingrich proceeded to unzip his soiled black trousers and urinate in the bushes along the side of the road. Jeannette’s husband was put off by the situation, and he told the disheveled Republican how he felt, but his wife calmed him. “This isn’t any old person,” she told her husband, “this is Newt Gingrich.”

Gingrich officially suspended his campaign Wednesday afternoon and formally pledged to support Mitt Romney in his quest for the Republican nomination. Gingrich’s campaign has recently been wracked by debt.


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The Dear Dirty Newswire spits out surreal news items blending truthful ideas with a satirical premise. Nobody can control the old newswire from sputtering and printing barely readable, inky pages of news. DDA’s editors and administrators never dare question what it produces. 

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