Dear Dirty America


Newt Gingrich Rapes Rick Santorum’s Wife, but She’ll Make the Best of A Bad Situation

January 24
09:16 2012
Dear Dirty Newswire

LADY LAKE, Fla. — In the late hours of the night, Newt Gingrich reportedly copulated with Rick Santorum’s wife, Karen, against her will. Newt has been hesitant to call it rape, but the news media has had no problem calling it that. The Gingrich campaign is calling it an atrocious mistake. The Santorum family is stunned, but say they are dealing with the situation as best as they possibly can.

“She’s going to make the best out of a bad situation,” GOP candidate Santorum told reporters. “That’s what raped women need to do.”

Santorum was asked about Karen possibly being pregnant from the Gingrich attack. “I’m going to embrace her, and love her, and support her through this very difficult time. The right approach would be to accept the horribly created thing, which is nevertheless a contaminated gift from God’s own intellectually superior creation, Newt.”

Gingrich spoke briefly about the incident calling it a mildly amusing, but serious mistake. “I thought it was Callista,” he said in his dry tone, “end of story. I won’t be bothered about this, and I don’t want to discuss it. Let’s get to the real issues, because that’s what the American people are interested in.”

Callista Gingrich is also calling Newt’s heinous act an unavoidable mistake. “He walked into the wrong hotel room, the lights were out, and what happened, happened. Newt’s playful. He’s a frolicker. My question is, where was Rick when this happened?”

An investigation into what really happened is ongoing. Karen Santorum is apparently so stunned by the vicious mistake that she is currently in hiding. Photos of what the Gingrich/Santorum baby would look like were released online to everyone’s delight (see above photo).

Late night show host David Letterman called the baby photo “cute, kind of, in that desperate sort of way that babies have to be cute. And Newt, well, if he’s the father, well, he’s cute too.”


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