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Chris Christie Gets Tipped Over & Rolled Into A Gutter

January 09
12:30 2012
Dear Dirty Newswire

NEW HAMPSHIRE–New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was embarrassingly attacked last night in New Hampshire after a showdown with Occupy protesters. After beating his chest for the top-running GOP candidate Mitt Romney, Christie waddled out of the small arena and into the parking lot. As he made his way to his car, Christie was accosted by a group of “hooded hoodlums” who proceeded to tip over the governor and roll him into the nearest gutter.

Nobody knows whether or not the attackers were part of the loose Occupy movement, but the Romney campaign has already started rumors they were. Christie’s office has been tight-lipped about the assault and has not leveled charges against anybody. Local police are still looking for the culprits, but Christie didn’t get a good look at the “sweethearts”, as he bitterly called them, so police have little evidence to go on.

That night, the incapacitated governor laid in the gutter on his side, unable to get up. “Governor Christie hasn’t been able to get out of bed himself since 2001, so there was no way he could lift himself out of that gutter. Christie’s a good man, but once he’s tipped over, he ain’t getting up without some serious manpower,” a close friend said of the incident.

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Other sources say Governor Christie laid in the gutter for more than five minutes before being noticed and rescued by a team of low level Romney staffers. They found him cold and dirty, and it has been reported that the governor was incensed about getting his good pants filthy from rolling over the pavement.

A new Twitter hashtag (#ChristieBarrelRolled) began shortly after the incident hit social media networks.

DEAR DIRTY NEWSWIRE

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