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Richard Branson Flies to the Moon, Urinates, & Comes Back to Earth

August 08
04:58 2011
DEAR DIRTY NEWSWIRETo everybody’s surprise, trillionaire Richard Branson, unleashed the Virgin Spacezipper by unexpectedly blasting into space from his private home in the UK. Media outlets scrambled to capture the trillionaire’s blast-off, and it took most of the morning and afternoon to discover the truth behind the chaos. Branson re-landed the craft in a private and guarded area behind his property.

“It was refreshing,” Sir Richard Branson told reporters after he’d stepped out of his spacecraft, “to take a leak on the moon. I couldn’t stay much longer than that anyway, because of fuel restrictions. I needed to head home after seventy-seven seconds in order to have enough power to re-enter the Earth’s atmosphere and safely land on my front lawn.”

Branson is under investigation for unlawfully launching into space with an unregistered spacecraft. “The US government is just jealous,” he said with a huge smile, “but I give them a thumbs-up for caring.” The spaceman was not arrested because global authorities believe he will fully cooperate.


British fighter jets attempted to chase the Virgin Spacezipper, but were unsuccessful. The military issued a statement saying they’d never seen an aircraft or spacecraft move so fast. “We hope to work with Branson and come to a peaceful conclusion about the lawfulness of private citizens blasting themselves into space. We will have to readjust the books for more clarity because what is unclear is the exact level of unlawfulness committed by Branson,” said a spokesman for the Pentagon.

C.-T. Hung

Sir Richard broke a few world records that has left the US, Russia, and China bristling with resentment. The records, so far, include: Fastest time to the moon and back (the timing is still unclear, but everybody agrees the trip has never been made faster); Smallest manned spacecraft to ever reach the moon; Most modern space suit ever seen; and The most secret, private home space program ever constructed.

What’s next for Branson? “I’ll probably take a shower, eat something nutritious, and then figure out how we can get a Virgin fueling station on the moon. After that, I go to Mars.”

IN OTHER NEWS

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