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Jobs Report Inflated by Hundreds of Temp Positions Hired by Chick-fil-A

August 04
01:18 2012
DEAR DIRTY NEWSWIRE


(editor’s note: the Newswire feed spits out its own stories, and DDA publishes them faithfully. DDA does not support any business that deters freedom for any group of people, yet it honors everyone their right to speak freely on any subject. The ancient Israelites stoned their homosexuals just outside the camp walls, and that may be a good talking point for some conservatives, but Jesus did quite the opposite with society’s outcasts. 

Only Ralph Lauren should be stoned, not because he is gay, but because he is the poster child for why this nation is out of work, and out of luck.)

NEWSWIRE — The jobs report for July has revealed 163,000 new jobs were created last month, but the unemployment rate still rose to 8.3 percent. Recent developments and further analyses show that even the positive side of the report — the number of jobs created — is not accurate, but flawed. The report is slightly elevated by the nearly one thousand new, but temporary jobs spurred from the controversial anti-gay rights statements by the president of a national chicken-joint chain, Chick-fil-A.

“We’ve added a ton of positions in the past few days,” said a spokesman for Chick-fil-A. “We’re getting business from all the same-sex marriage opposition. They are buying two or three chicken sandwiches at a time. We don’t know if it’s because they’re hungry, or over-purchasing in support of our stance against gay marriage.”

The spokesman said that many chains around the nation are also selling meals to hungry protesters who are stationed outside the restaurants promoting gay marriage. “They get hungry, too. This country loves and respects deep fried chicken and potato wedges. At the end of the day, whether they’re in favor of same-sex marriage or not, Americans can’t resist Chick-fil-A.”

After Chick-fil-A’s president Dan Cathy unleashed derogatory comments about gay rights and gay marriage, business at his fast food chains has boomed. His statements were laced with Biblical fire and brimstone, and one blogger has even accused Cathy of reading the book of Revelations too heavily. Rumors are abounding online that Mr Cathy envisions himself as a modern-day Moses.

Despite the protests from gay rights activists, the restaurant has reported a record-setting day for sales. Increased sales has meant more temporary help needed to keep Chick-fil-A’s most popular locations running smoothly. Locations in states like Alabama have seen a real boost since the denunciation of same-sex marriage. “Some of us are eating fried chicken in support of God’s mandate about marriage being one man and one woman,” said one patron, who was in the middle of cleaning up a basket of chicken strips. He refused to give his name to reporters, but instead raised one slickly greased finger in response.

While the addition of 163,000 private sector jobs outpaces the sluggish rate of growth of the past few months, the report is a mixture of praise and shame for President Obama. He acknowledged that 4.5 million jobs have been created since his administration took office, but he lamented that not enough has been done to boost employment for folks who have been out of work for years.

President Obama did not, however, verbally thank the greasy chicken joint. His publicist’s intern did, however, tape a makeshift sign to the front of his podium before the president gave his analysis of the report. “Thank you, Chick-fil-A, for the extra jobs created.” The sign was later edited out by media, under pressure from the Obama administration. The intern has reportedly been fired for nearly dragging his presidential team into that firestorm quagmire surrounding gay rights and the fast food chicken chain. “That’s what I have Joe Biden for,” Obama later joked.

While the astounding number of private sector jobs created by Chick-fil-A seems like a boon to the economy, and might help Barack Obama’s cause for a second term, economic analysts warn those positions are extremely temporary and will dry up within a matter of days or weeks. Once people realize how many chemical additives are in processed chicken, they will, hopefully, stop patronizing those types of restaurants. Or, in other words, does a snowball have a chance in hell?

Chick-fil-A’s chicken is known to be loaded with hormones and antibiotics, and is deep fried to ensure heart problems and cancer risks down the road for most consumers. Killing one’s consumers seems like a lousy business plan, but when your consumer base is basically an entire large nation, a business can get away with it.

DEAR DIRTY NEWSWIRE

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The Dear Dirty Newswire spits out surreal news items blending truthful ideas with a satirical premise. Nobody can control the old newswire from sputtering and printing barely readable, inky pages of news. DDA’s editors and administrators never dare question what it produces. 

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