Dear Dirty America

Dear Dirty Newswire


NEW HAMPSHIRE–To keep an already baffling, startling, and interesting GOP presidential nomination race intriguing, Rick Santorum was caught sitting on the toilet with a Bible spread open on his lap. The incident happened at a local New Hampshire diner, where the GOP candidate was taking a break from campaigning. The lawyer and politician claims he was reading Scripture, but to his opponents, he was participating in a down and dirty photo shoot.

Aaron Dimson was the unfortunate citizen who found Santorum with his nose in the Book when he and his ten year old son went to use the bathroom. “We’d gone to the diner to have a nice meal, but we never expected this,” he told reporters. “It seems like he just forgot to lock the door.”

“He’s a shock jock,” candidate and lecturer Newt Gingrich told reporters, “and he would pull a stunt like this. Rick is my friend, but let me tell you, he left the bathroom door unlocked and set up what I would call a ‘photo opportunity’.”

Although no photos have turned up showing Santorum on the toilet reading the Bible, Gingrich maintains the ex-Senator pulled the stunt so the “hard, hard Right would be impressed.” Mitt Romney refused to comment on the matter, except to say what a man does in the men’s room is up to the man. Many in the GOP’s ranks have charged Romney’s statement with being too liberal.

“There are very few things a person should do in the bathroom, as vividly depicted by the Bible,” Sue Callis, a New Hampshire native, told reporters. “Romney just throws that to the wind. ‘Do whatever you want in the bathroom,’ he’s practically saying.” Callis said she’d be voting for Santorum because of his fearless crusade against the sin of homosexuality. She also admitted she was taken aback by the toilet incident.

A priest from Lincoln, Ohio used Santorum’s gaffe to promote his own recent proposal that Bibles should not be stored in bathrooms, especially near the toilet. “It’s disgraceful,” Father Vincent told reporters, “to think of the holy pages soaking up that ungodly scent within us. That sinful stuff we drop in the toilet should not be anywhere near the Good Word.”

Father Vincent was recently blasted for using the word “shitter” on a local public radio station.

Santorum’s faux pas will go down in history along with a wild field of GOP nominees. From Newt Gingrich’s castration to his spiteful late night Iowa Caucus speech; from the incessant barrage of verbal attacks against Mitt Romney to the morning he woke up with two heads; from Herman Cain’s sharp spike in the polls to his public condemnation over allegations of sexual harassment and extramarital affairs, the GOP has provided America with much needed entertainment during this difficult economic time.

DEAR DIRTY NEWSWIRE

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