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Steve Jobs’ Rumored Magical Musical Appearance with One Thousand Impoverished Chinese Child Laborers at Superbowl Half Time Show

February 04
08:20 2012
Dear Dirty Newswire

An email leaked out of Indianapolis and splashed across various websites online claiming that Steve Jobs, the late founder of Apple, would be making a surprise musical appearance at Superbowl XLVI with a heartwarming choir of one thousand impoverished child laborers from China.

“We are slightly nervous about Jobs showing up for the surprise half time performance,” one Superbowl half time show committee member wrote in an email to a family member. “Considering the whole ‘other side’ thing. Anyway, his publicist swears he’s going to appear. And he’s covering Dylan. He loves Dylan. And he also loves Chinese children, especially when they’re working hard.

The email goes on to say Jobs’ ghost has been flickering in and out at top Apple executive offices, which the committee member sees as a sign that Jobs isn’t hindered with the physical and spiritual realms. “Jobs is still on earth, his people say, for better or worse.”

The employee also wrote, “We had one thousand (and one, actually) impoverished child laborers from China, brought in by Apple for the Superbowl show. Kind of a ‘save face situation‘. So far, sixteen of them have killed themselves. We’re working on not allowing them to do so. Apple gave us suggestions on how to better keep the kids subdued, even after a 24-hour workday with very little food and water. Apple says kids are resilient.

“Most can barely stand, their legs are wobbly and so weak and swollen with fluid that we had to yell at them and push them into the huge warehouse where we store them,” the email went on to say. “The experience, as long as Jobs shows up for the big event, will be a hit.”

Apple has, allegedly, spent a small fortune bringing the children from China to Indianapolis. “They didn’t bother to clean them up or anything,” the member wrote in the same email. “Smelly dirty kids without a sense of how a Superbowl half time show should go. But the company bought them little suits to wear.”

The event, up until the leaked email, had been a very secretive affair meant as a surprise for NFL fans worldwide. The Chinese children were only brought out of their warehouse living quarters to practice their routines in the late hours of the night. Standing in their assigned places, and looking like “a mob of raggedy child peasants”, the kids learned to croon along with certain choruses of a Bob Dylan montage which Jobs plans to sing during the show.

“The kids are pretty much learning the routine, so they will be ready for when Jobs manifests during the show. They’ll be bunched together in a giant Apple sign, and each child will sway as if the wind were blowing them like wilting flowers.”

Online activists and leftwing blogs have cried foul at Apple’s Superbowl stunt to clear the air of new allegations of harsh child labor conditions in China. Whether or not the show with Jobs’ spirit will still be performed is up in the air, now that the outrage has spread online.

Newt Gingrich made a notable statement showing that he, too, was outraged by the child labor Apple has been using. “Those are Chinese children with good jobs,” Newt told reporters, “when instead American children should be holding those jobs.”

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