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Supreme Court Rules Apple Must Place Pictures of 4-6 Impoverished Chinese Child Laborers in Every iPad 2 Ad

February 06
12:30 2012
Dear Dirty Newswire



WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court ruled 5-4 that Apple Inc has to place pictures of at least 4-6 impoverished Chinese child laborers in every iPad 2 ad, whether that advertisement is pasted to the side of a giant building in Los Angeles or New York, or in a popular magazine like Esquire.

Justice Antonin Scalia said he’s recently decided there should be humanity and justice within the corporate world, and the most recent reports of Chinese child laborers working 24-hour shifts with swollen legs assaulted that notion. “It’s important that Americans know where their Apple products were made,” he said, “and by whom. In this case, a bunch of fourteen year old girls who get blood clots in their legs because they stand for so many hours working in Apple’s sweatshops.”

Justice Scalia admitted he didn’t know where his decision came from, and that it counteracts a lot of other decisions he’s made. “I can’t speak for the other Justices, but usually I’m against human rights,” he said, “but then again, what Apple is doing is especially appalling.”

Apple Inc has said they will now turn to the late Steve Jobs through occult rites and seances and ask he haunt the shit out of Scalia and the other Justices. Apple said it was shocked at the Supreme Court’s sudden turn on corporate power. “Usually they’re on our side. Just look at Citizen’s United,” an anonymous company man said.

Justice Scalia is known to frequent retreats put on by right wing corporate giants, Koch Industries.

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