Dear Dirty America


Moby Dick Rumored to be Destroying U.S. Battleships in Strait of Hormuz

January 14
07:31 2012
Dear Dirty Newswire

The USS Carl Vinson was mysteriously capsized early Saturday morning as it entered the Strait of Hormuz.  Early, unofficial reports suggest only one lowly deckhand survived. As of yet, he is too shaken to give a coherent report, but his friends have told media outlets not to worry, their friend is the type to write an entire novel. “It’s a matter of time before he documents what truly happened,” a close acquaintance said.

Tensions between Iran & U.S. / Israel flaring

Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta refused members of the media any answers about what really happened to the aircraft carrier. He even skirted around confirming its capsizing. Rumors circulated online that a great white whale was responsible for the destruction of the USS Carl Vinson, and many are blaming Moby Dick.

One fisherman claims to have seen the U.S. carrier attacked. “A great beast of uncommon bulk arose out of the grey water. It had a frost-white wrinkled forehead and a menacing white hump,” the fisherman told a local Iranian news site. “He had to be a whale, a great white whale streaked and marbled. The fish had an unhinged lower jaw which gave it a natural horror.”

When a jaunty reporter corrected the fisherman about whales being mammals, and not fish, the fisherman hotly retorted that he had his own theories on what is and is not a fish. The reporter quickly backed off.

The whale reportedly repeatedly rammed the battleship with its bulbous forehead, dented the hull, and finally cracked the side, ultimately sinking the ship and killing all those on board except one.

Many bloggers and conspiracy theorists writing online scoffed at the idea of a whale capsizing an aircraft carrier large enough to hold 80 planes and helicopters. “It wasn’t a normal goddamned whale,” the fisherman said, “it was Moby Dick. Intelligent, fearless, and unchallenged in ferocity.”

The fisherman refused to give his name, citing reasons of rising tensions between Iran and the U.S. and Israel. “I don’t want to be no part of this death and destruction,” he said, “but I am glad to know we’ve got a natural defense in the Strait.”

Melville scholars everywhere are enthused over Saturday morning’s report. “Some of us just knew that delightful novel wasn’t completely fiction!” one professor wrote on his blog.

Bookstores in major metropolitan areas are reporting selling out of Moby Dick copies.

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad briefly commented on the matter, “Death to the U.S.’s glorious battleships! Must ye then perish, perish! Thou all-destroying, but unconquering West! It is Hell’s heart stabbing at you!”

Ahmadinejad later recanted his statements saying he didn’t know such large whales resided in the Strait of Hormuz and the Persian Gulf. “Whales are whales,” he said, “and I cannot control them.”

The White House has not issued a statement. Analysts fear the rumors are true, and that U.S. officials are extremely embarrassed to have lost a ship to a whale as they beat their chests to intimidate Iran.

The USS Vinson is famous for hosting the first NCAA basketball game aboard a carrier, on 11/11/11. It is also the ship from which Osama bin Laden’s heart was cut out of his chest, and his corpse was dumped into the sea for a proper burial.


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