Dear Dirty America

TAMPA, Fla — Newt Gingrich pulled out all the stops against Mitt Romney while on the exhausting Florida campaign trail. Gingrich fell to his knees in the late hours of the night and recited every curse he could remember from his old voodoo books he’d studied in at Emory University. Mostly the dark lamentations were in Latin, but Gingrich rattled them off without a hitch.

He then got down to brass tacks. “May Mitt Romney’s testicles shrivel to the size of Wasabi peas, and may his chest hair be singed by a great gust of fire, and his salty salesman’s hairdo burnt away in a stinky plume of smoke. May his heart come to a complete stop.”

Gingrich admitted he didn’t necessarily believe in black magic, but he said it might have worked for him in the past, during his tomcat days, when he could “conjure the perfect woman for the perfect situation.” Gingrich said it’s all about intent, and it’s all about pure manifestation. “A few tricky incantations and a nearly impossible breathing technique can bring any wish or desire to life.”

When Gingrich was asked by his only campaign aide if he really wished Mitt Romney would be maimed and then die, Newt said, “Not necessarily in that order.”

Word got around to the Romney camp that Newt was putting spells on their man, Mitt, so Mitt and a few of his best men stormed Gingrich’s hotel room, where Callista sat naked and sipping Drambuie while polishing Newt’s big boy.

The two GOP candidates reportedly exchanged a few heated words before it got physical and spilled out onto the hotel’s lawn. The name and exact location of the hotel will not be disclosed until the blood is completely washed from the lush landscaped lawn.

“Newt’s shirt was ripped from his muscular upper body,” the lone Gingrich aide faithfully reported to police and reporters, “and Mitt cheap-shotted Newt in the groin. Newt’s great white belly wobbled and Romney thought he could land a defeating punch into Newt’s gut. Mitt’s fist sunk deep into the pasty dough flesh and was caught. He was stuck. Our man Gingrich kept it together, even though his heart was straining and he was in pain.”

Gingrich then hammer-fisted Romney until the ex-used car salesman lost his two front teeth and had his face smeared with blood. “Mitt’s lips were cracked open and Newt’s fists were bright red and shining in the hotel signs lights.”

That’s when the cops showed up. Mitt’s fist was still embedded in Gingrich’s gut and had to be carefully removed by Deputy Dawson, who recounted the horrifying experience by describing the awesome sucking sound everyone heard when they finally dislodged Mitt’s hand.

“A suck and a pop,” the good deputy said, “and it took three other men helping me tug it out.”

The rest of the details are not nearly as interesting as the ones already given. Dear Dirty America assumes the Romney campaign will take care of their man’s teeth, and the Gingrich campaign (Newt and his aide) will regroup, and the candidate will think better about casting dusty latinate curses onto men who get rich by selling their neighbors and countrymen fresh shit in a box with a bow.

DEAR DIRTY NEWSWIRE

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