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McCain Calls for NATO Air Strikes To Drive Out Brutal American Military Regime in Afghanistan

March 19
14:30 2012
DEAR DIRTY NEWSWIRE



WASHINGTON — Senator John McCain slammed his fist on the wooden podium to pronounce his point that NATO must begin air strikes immediately in Afghanistan to drive out the brutal, hostile American military regime. Only minutes before he’d painfully limped into the United States Senate Armed Services Committee.

The goiter on the side of his face pulsated and was red as Rudolph’s nose, according to an intern positioned in the corner of the room. McCain’s eyes were bloodshot and he smelled “kinda funky.” The other 25 members held their tongues as McCain, a ranking member of the committee, set up his notes on the podium. Chairman Carl Levin carefully eyed the old senator.

“We just can’t put up with it over there anymore,” McCain said to a speechless room. “Panetta’s got a firm grip on Afghanistan. The occupying American military forces are brutal and creating a deplorable humanitarian issue. But nobody can get them to leave. We’ve got to fight Panetta. That pimp. We will need a new NATO coalition to force them out with air strikes.”


A hoarse voice (it might have been Lieberman’s) briefly interrupted the Maverick, but was cut off with a sharp stare from the ranking member.

McCain haughtily flipped page one of his stack of notepaper and read from the next, “I also propose we arm the Afghan rebels to defend themselves against the dictatorial control of Panetta and his generals. For God’s sake, men,” McCain shouted, “those village people don’t even have a chance when a roving band of 20 US soldiers comes around breaking into houses and huts and killing women and children and old people.”

Senator Sessions politely spoke up. He reminded Sen McCain that proposing a foreign coalition carry out military action against United States would not only be very unpopular with the American people, at least while the economy is so bad, but also an act of treason. “You can’t do any old thing just because you got permission from the UN,” Sessions said. “You’re not President Obama. You still need congressional approval.”

The pulsing goiter just beneath McCain’s left cheek threatened to burst.

Joe Lieberman piped up from the front row. “Would American military still be a part of the new NATO coalition?”

The intern, who wishes to remain anonymous, said the door to the committee room burst open at that moment and a red-faced woman entered. She held out a plastic pill container with a compartment for each day of the week. She tripped forward under the heavy gazes of so many important men and a couple women. “You forgot your medication this morning,” she told McCain.

The Arizona senator brushed her to the side with one of his stiff arms and tried to laugh off the interruption, but Chairman Levin called for a break. No further words were had about a possible NATO strike on the violent American military regime occupying Afghanistan, although the intern thought it very unlikely the matter would have been buried so easily.

The call the United States Armed Services Committee and voice your discontent with a NATO airstrike against the stubborn US forces in Afghanistan, please call this number: 202-224-3871

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The Dear Dirty Newswire spits out surreal news items blending truthful ideas with a satirical premise. Nobody can control the old newswire from sputtering and printing barely readable, inky pages of news. DDA’s editors and administrators never dare question what it produces. 

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