Dear Dirty America


The Ghost of Thomas Jefferson Reported Creeping Around White House

December 05
07:12 2011
Dear Dirty NewswireWASHINGTON — Never have conservatives and Tea Party types been so enthused to hear the strange report coming out of Washington. An anonymous Secret Service agent spoke out in what is becoming a truly bizarre story. According to the agent, a ghost has been wandering the second floor of the White House, but that apparition isn’t just any old spirit as it apparently resembles Thomas Jefferson.

“I haven’t seen it yet,” the agent said, “but two of my colleagues have, and the President and the First Lady have as well. I could lose my job if anybody finds out I’m reporting this, but I think it’s too damned ironic to not tell nobody,” he announced. “They said it looks just like Jefferson. We looked up pictures on Google, and they said it was him.”

The dirty details are ominous and shocking. The Jefferson-looking ghost slowing marches its way through the second floor rooms banging a large steel drum. “The sound clangs throughout the rooms, apparently,” the agent said. “It’s quite a clamor. It prowls through Lincoln’s Bedroom, into the Treaty Room, into the Yellow Oval Room, before finally hovering over Truman’s Balcony.” The ghost, it has been said, engages in a nasty act while floating back and forth along the famous balcony.

It was reported that the First Lady screamed and dropped her glass of wine one night after seeing the specter. “She’s always drinking,” the agent said.

She claimed the ghost wasn’t wearing pants, but an old button-up combat jacket, and the steel drum hanging around its neck. “My colleagues said the thing is always fully dressed,” the agent said in relation to the claims the ghost was naked from the waist down, “but who knows?”

Not only have the Tea Party and conservative American folks been excited, but Americans wishing for a new government run by honest leaders not backed by Wall Street cash showed considerable delight in the news.

“I think it’s just fucking awesome,” a plumber from New Jersey said. “I’m Democrat, and I supported Obama, but not anymore. I read he’s flush with dirty money. He’s Bush. He’s Clinton. He’s Reagan. They’re all the same. It’s about time Jefferson reappeared and banged on his drum. Maybe he’ll help us take this country back.”

Whether or not the Jefferson sightings have anything to do with this summer’s Reagan sightings is yet to be confirmed. The White House denounced any news regarding Jefferson’s ghost. “Those allegations are baseless and ridiculous,” WH spokesman Jay Carney wrote in an official press release, “and there are no ghosts allowed in the White House. Whoever is behind this rumor will surely be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.” Carney also mentioned that the First Lady drinks wine only when she needs to cool down.

The SS agent says he hopes to catch a glimpse of the wily ghost beating its drum.

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