Dear Dirty America

PULP WIRE

SYRIA — Al Qaeda rebel forces fighting in the Free Syrian Army expressed their disbelief about Washington’s dithering over whether or not the United States will inflict airstrikes against the Assad government. After the United Kingdom voted against assisting the US with a military strike, leaving prime minister David Cameron embarrassed, President Obama said he’d have to go it alone. Yet, on Saturday, amid mounting public opposition, he announced he’d seek approval from Congress.

“What kind of game is the West playing here!” said Musab Sheikh, one of the commanders of an Al Qaeda fighting faction, as his fellow fighters chanted, “Osama bin Laden will rise again.” The commander said it was almost impossible to tell which side America was on, and noted his frustration was getting the best of him.

“We were very hopeful,” the leader said, “and we’d coordinated our weekend strategy on the Western strike. Now, we are holding our weapons uselessly in our hands like limp genitalia.”

Musab Sheikh went on to say, “The West funded us from the very beginning, brought us shipments of weapons, even though it wasn’t enough, it was still something, and now they are hanging us out to dry. If we were an infant being nurtured by a parent, we would be succumbing to the hunger, thirst, and the elements as this resistance is not developed enough to stand on its own.”

Meanwhile, Congress will return to their posts and decide if they should grant the president authority to strike Syria and aid the Al Qaeda rebel forces.