Dear Dirty America

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Bank of America Commits Suicide

December 22
07:12 2011
Dear Dirty NewswireCHARLOTTE — Police are remaining tight-lipped about the gory suicide of the country’s second largest multinational banking and financial services corporation, Bank of America. The suicide was reported late Wednesday evening in North Carolina, and the mess is massive. Cleanup crews clad in bio-hazard suits along with federal agents have cordoned off the scene to investigate the tragic circumstance.

Scores of people have gathered in multiple cities across the U.S. to celebrate Bank of America’s suicide, even though the details are sparse.

Dressed in his irritatingly bright red and blues, Bank of America apparently took his own life with a very powerful gun, yet the exact make and model has not been revealed. Trillions of dollars in toxic debt and fetid unfulfilled derivative obligations splattered most of Uptown Charlotte. His rotten insides were blown against the sides of nearby buildings. Chunks of his corrupted, infected flesh have been reportedly found from coast to coast.

“Putrid,” one bystander said about the toxic gore that litters the city, “it smells and looks awful. Bank of America has stained our city and our country with his last disgraceful act, which comes at the end of a long line of disgusting actions.”

The self-inflicted violence has been shocking for many, but the act itself came with little surprise as Bank of America has been hampered from every direction, from WikiLeaks, to the corporation’s plunging stock, to its most recent fine of $335 million to settle claims of charging Hispanic and black homeowners higher mortgage fees than their white counterparts. BofA was recently embarrassed after plans to charge customers a $5 per month fee to use their debit cards was met with so much resistance the bank cancelled the proposal.

“It’s the most honorable thing to do,” said one plainclothes police officer who wished to remain anonymous. “Corporations are people too, you know. If I disgraced my country, and the people of my country as much as Bank of America did, I would buy the biggest handgun I could afford and blow out my brains also.”

He went on to say that anyone who causes America so much distress and strife should kill themselves. “It saves the American people the trouble of rising up and getting their hands dirty. Do the honorable thing and kill yourself. Blow off your fucking head.”

BofA CEO Brian T. Moynihan is being sought out to be placed on suicide watch, said police. Mainstream media news outlets are hastily putting together a commemorative slideshow documenting the history of the bank.

DEAR DIRTY NEWSWIRE

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