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Terrible Tartan Tantrums & Tossers

Terrible Tartan Tantrums & Tossers
September 09
15:00 2016

Perthshire, Scotland

Our new head of state is being crowned in Hollyrood Palace.

The media attention is in overdrive and maximum overkill. Camera crews and journalists viciously elbow each other to gain the best vantage point to take the pictures which will dominate the front page of the Daily Porridge. A newspaper which slavishly follows the head of state’s every utterance as if they were directly from God her/himself.

credit: Philip Allfrey

credit: Philip Allfrey

She sits on the velvet cushion placed on the Stone of Destiny, a smirk of quiet satisfaction plays on her unnaturally pale features.

A MacHaggis tartan cape is draped over her hair and shirt, and her small delicate feet are encased in stag skin slippers. Her dress is made by “Chip on Both Shoulders,” couturier to the Highlands. Hand sewn by Primary five school children, as a tribute to their dear leader.

The Archbishop of Craveness carefully places the Crown of Thistles upon the head of this, the most powerful and popular person in the tartan universe, making sure she doesn’t disturb a single hair.

As a choir of carefully chosen children burst into the National Anthem, a version of “Donald where’s your troosers noo”, she rises from the throne, takes a hesitant step and walks regally towards the door of the ancient palace.

Upon reaching the huge door, the Pipe Band of the Rainbow Watch launches into a rendition of “Shout” an old favourite of the new head of the Socialist Republic of Caledonia.

At the edge of the crowd, a slightly portly old man with a bad comb over, shuffled away towards the nearest bookmaker’s, muttering “That should have been me”!

At this point I woke up sweating and gasping for breath. It had been a nightmare. This hadn’t actually happened, but it had seemed so real.

The adulation and unconditional adoration of this woman couldn’t really happen in real life. Could it? How could a person make and break so many promises to her supporters and still be so revered? Impossible, surely?

The cult of celebrity is very powerful, but politicians really shouldn’t come under the banner of celebrity, should they? This one certainly seemed to anyway!

She could do no wrong in the eyes of her loyal and fanatical supporters. They couldn’t or wouldn’t see the flaws which were obvious and evident to everyone else. It was almost as if they had been brainwashed into total obedience in return for promises to a socialist utopia!

A land where despite the almost complete crash in the oil prices which had been the backbone of the SNP economic policy, there would be equality in everything. This huge fall in the oil price hadn’t dimmed the dream. Apparently, a mysterious surge in tourism would plug the fiscal gap and everything would be just fine.

People would still be cared for in luxury from the cradle to the grave. Poverty of all types would be wiped out at a stroke. No child would have to be alone. They would have their own adult (named person) to make sure they grew up to be proper wee socialists.

None of this Labour “socialism”, which was practically capitalism. Proper Scottish socialism. Porridge three times a day socialism. Tartan socialism!

And as for the Conservative party, they were akin to Nazis in the eyes of the Big Sister, and her thousands of social spies. They were ultra capitalists. Pillaging the population and allowing people to think for themselves. That is if they still could after being conditioned by years of Tartan socialist propaganda.

No, it had to be the SNP road or the road out of utopia. Free thinking wouldn’t be tolerated in any way.

We have already had examples of this intolerance. Any hint of dissent will be loudly drowned out by the baying mob of rent-a-morons, howling abuse online and in the mainstream media.

Opposing views have no place in this socialist wonderland.

I have no doubt that there is an agenda to force the ideological views of one political party down the throats of the rest of the population regardless of whether they want it or not.

While this isn’t something which fills me with hope, there is an argument for this type of government. Given the volatility of world politics, now and in the future, the quasi dictatorship direction is possibly the way to govern, but not in a “first world” democracy!

The next ten years will be hugely important for Scotland and the rest of the world.

We need good and selfless people to come to the forefront of politics in the near future and not allow the powerful and greedy to destroy us!


Vote Bollocks Or Water Buffalo

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Michael J Blair contributes political analysis to DDA, and he can be reached at: His Twitter handle is: @mmjblair

[Tartan weaving machine photo in public domain, courtesy of Karora, Wikimedia Commons; Holyrood Palace photo courtesy of Philip Allfrey, Wikimedia Commons]


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