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Chris Christie Signs Pot for Tots From His Bathtub, Soothing Bubbles Played Key Role

Chris Christie Signs Pot for Tots From His Bathtub, Soothing Bubbles Played Key Role
September 11
16:54 2013

New Jersey governor Chris Christie raised his arm out of the bubbly water long enough to grab the pen from his intern and sketch his signature on a bill that would allow New Jersey ‘tots’ easier access to medical marijuana. With the bubbles clinging in patches around Christie’s wrist and forearm, the governor admitted he was pleased to be signing the bill, even though it had been sitting on his desk for two months before public pressure forced Christie’s hand out of the custom-sized bathtub, filled with hot water, to put the important legislation into action.

Christie, a 2016 heavyweight GOP presidential nominee contender, said, “This new law will help sick kids access the program while also keeping in place appropriate safeguards.” The signed bill had New Jersey’s official, random, and impossible-to-forge watermarks scattered toward the bottom of the page. “Woopsie,” Christie said when he realized how much water had dribbled off his arm.

Christie’s tub has been a safe haven for the governor. It has become a second desk from which Christie is not afraid to risk electrical shock by computer, printer, or phone. His office equipment is situated on a sturdy, plastic desk that stands firmly in the middle of the octagonal tub.

Since the governor likes to be submerged up to his neck in water, his tub desk stands extra tall, which creates a bit of a problem when he’s got to answer the phone or tap out an email on his computer.

Yet, Christie admits he is far happier spending the workday in hot, bubbly water. Medical marijuana for children has been a contentious issue, both opposed and pushed by drug free school advocates and the Coalition for Medical Marijuana club, respectively. The lavender that populates the governor’s bathroom office has been said to be a scent that officially opens his nasal passages and clears his head, yet that children’s marijuana bill had backed the Republican contender into chillier waters.

Not since Occupy Wall Street hooligans tipped over Christie and rolled him into a gutter has he been so miserable.

When the lavender oil and bubbles were not enough to create a space of peace, New Jersey’s sitcom-character governor had to make a choice. A clear head, according to Christie, is next to godliness, and godliness is manifested in a Denny’s double grand slam.

But what about that damn ‘pots for tots’ bill? What kind of child is so sick he needs to get high? Brian Wilson from Scotch Plains, NJ knows what kind of child. Wilson’s two year old daughter suffers from Dravet Syndrome, which is a form of epilepsy.

Another child, North West, the privileged boy of Kanye and Kim Kardashian, is said to already be suffering from an overinflated ego of such magnanimous proportions that his body, in a last resort to be in touch with its human side, shuts down and blacks out for hours on end. Mostly these blackouts go unnoticed, unless the housemaids tell the Kardashian reality TV star, in which case she apologizes for little North’s aberrant behavior.

[photo by Luigi Novi]

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