Dear Dirty America

PULP WIRE

With the sequester in place, a dead economy, millions of Americans out of work and without hope, and a self-destructive government, you almost had to know it was coming sooner than later. A way to get back at the most hated group of people in America—535 members of Congress—without any repercussions, other than a little personal satisfaction.

A new recording by ZenMostTimes leads the listener through a number of violent scenarios that allow the user to unleash, mentally, his anger and hatred upon any or all members of Congress. While highly controversial, the guided meditation will hit the market this week and, according to the CEO of ZenMostTimes, help people find inner peace while living in an extremely frustrating world.

“Let’s face it,” Heller Chapman said, “there’s so much unhealthy angst toward America’s most repugnant, stagnant governing body, that something must be done. This is the first violent guided meditation, to my knowledge, where the user can beat, stomp, or just generally torture the shit out of their most hated congress person, president, or politician.”

He cautioned, “In actuality, we hope this meditation stifles the desires of real physical violence.” ZenMostTimes is certain their new recording will not lead to real violence. “Quite the opposite,” Chapman said. “We’re sure our product will mollify a nation that currently sits as dangerous as a powder keg in the corner of a smoking room.”

According to Chapman, the listener will first let a soothing voice lull him into a deepened state of mind, before delving into one of ten scenarios that prompt the listener’s mind to create an environment, select his most hated congress person, and then proceed to inflict on the subject any kind of suffering and agony the listener can possibly imagine.

“The templates are in place, but the fun part is that the user can really cut loose with the details and make it as personal, and gory, as is desired,” Chapman said. “It goes beyond Republican or Democrat, conservative or liberal. This hits at the heart of freeing the violent feelings that most Americans have toward their politicians, and letting them live those feelings without any repercussions.”