Dear Dirty America


New Survey: Americans Love Mac ‘n Cheese More than Sex

July 27
19:32 2011

Credit: Holger.Ellgaard 

Famed and forever castigated psychologist Hubert Humdinger (pronounced hum-din-jur), recently conducted a survey from his undisclosed home in Northern Europe to find out if Americans’ hard-wiring was being re-wired by chemical-laden, synthetic foods, such as macaroni and cheese. The results were astounding.

“I called 1500 Americans from my home telephone. It was very expensive,” Humdinger told me in his thickly accented voice. “But very well worth it. I divided the USA into 15 regions and called 100 people at random, selecting each name from a phone book in that area, and simply asked whomever answered: ‘What do you enjoy more, sex or macaroni and cheese?'”

Humdinger admits he forgot to tally around one hundred responses out of sheer forgetfulness, but all the same, he claims, the overwhelming response, 80 percent or so, of those Americans surveyed answered that they would much rather have a bowl of sticky mac ‘n cheese instead of a round of passionate sex with the person of their choice.

What can we understand about American behavior in the light of this study?

“What we’re looking at here,” the old psychologist said, “is the most basic and powerful drive in human nature, the sex drive, has been overridden by a more powerful drive to continue consuming chemically-laden foods. This would suggest an absolutely decadent society. The sexual impulse is often repressed in American society, but it is the most natural of impulses. Macaroni and cheese, and other foods that have absolutely no nutritional value, have usurped that most basic of human drives.

“The results of this study are a shame for many reasons,” Humdinger continued, “because sex burns calories. Sexual intercourse is stimulating and it can provide a connection to an important aspect of humanity. Macaroni and cheese, and all junk food included, does not stimulate anything but the saliva glands. Mac ‘n cheese clogs the arteries, clouds the cognitive process, and adds toxic chemicals to the body’s blood stream and organs.

If it hasn’t happened yet, the American people will soon resemble zombies. Instead of quick flowing blood, they will have lightly-oxygenated sludge for blood, and this will affect their thinking processes, and when that happens, everything will be affected. Business, politics, education, and mental evolution over all. I fear for a society that places higher on its impulse scale macaroni and cheese than sex.”

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