Dear Dirty America


William and Kate’s baby to get surprising name

July 23
03:45 2013



Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge, Kate, have finally given birth to the royals’ much anticipated progeny. The baby boy, weighing in at eight pounds, six ounces ($12.90 US), was born at 16.24 GMT, and is anticipated to be the third in line to the British throne.

Despite her inclusion on Interpol’s travel ban during European royal births, weddings, and funeral services, Celebrity Gobbler – Dear Dirty America’s resident royal family expert – was able to obtain documented proof as to what direction the royal couple is leaning in deciding a name for the future Prince of Wales. On a sheet covered in scribbled-over name combinations which was liberated from a Buckingham Palace end table, the finalists may come as a bit of a shocker.

Royal names are of great spiritual, political, and cultural significance. The eldest son of King Henry VII, for instance, was dubbed Arthur, as the Tudor usurper to the English throne hoped to solidify his claim by linking his lineage to that of the largely fictional King Arthur. Prince Charles was so named to signal a shift away from nearly two centuries of Georgian and Edwardian monarchs, and because a masculinized “Victor” had yet to find popularity among noble personages.

Based on the note’s evidence, names such as George, Paul, William, John, and David were given a passing over. By its end, the uncrossed names left for the future monarch are Herman Cain James Richard Perry Windsor – a substantial nod to the royal couple’s two favorite Republican contenders for that party’s candidate in the 2012 presidential election, a choice which is deeply revealing of their personal politics.

Self-described pizza magnate and outspoken defender of limited government, unfettered entrepreneurship, yet increased government involvement in its war on terror, Herman Cain has apparently forded the Atlantic as a political thinker of note. On several occasions of public speechgiving, the generally reserved William has been known to quote Mr. Cain, using such aphorisms as “success is not a function of what you start out with materially, but what you start out with spiritually,” and “stupid people are ruining America.”

As for the other third through fifth given names, James Richard “Rick” Perry is an unequivocal foe of public infrastructure, abortion, and a separation between church and state. While lacking the rhetorical clout of Cain, the Texas governor makes up for this with a deeply felt sense of moral conviction which colors his administration’s policies.

What these names might signal for Britain’s future is the continued conservative reaction to its modern social and economic climate. As king, William V might take a more robust role as head of the Church of England, reversing liberal reforms and state secularization. The privatization of British public services would continue on, with not just the Royal Mail put to the block, but possibly even the country’s National Health Service as well. There might also be the return of capital punishment and personal firearms, a more business-friendly tax environment, an end to the stale welfare state and crumbling council structures, and a swift boot to non-English speaking foreigners. Britain may yet become a more American United Kingdom, one unfettered by a need to cooperate with other nations, strongly married to traditionalism and its unassailable social hierarchy. Whether such a path might be continued – such a dream realized – under King Herman, remains to be seen.

The name itself, while highly unusual, might have other additional meaning to the family. “Herman” might allude to the Windsor family’s German roots. “Cain” as a Biblical name might itself be a nod to the Anglican Church, whose members form the solid core of monarchical supporters. “James” and “Richard” are bland distinctions with an historical significance, while “Perry” might additionally be a salutation to esteemed ex-wife of Russell Brand, Katy Perry.

A call put in to Mr. Cain’s office went unanswered. As of yet, spokespersons for the British monarchy have not confirmed the name of Prince Herman Cain James Richard Perry Windsor.

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