Dear Dirty America

PULP WIRE

WATERTOWN, MA – While nobody watching the early morning pursuit of the Boston Marathon bombing suspects could deny the effort of the local police and SWAT teams, most Americans were baffled at the epic battle put up by the two Tsarnaev brothers.

How did they manage to hold off police for nearly three hours? How did the brothers manage to flee police in a stolen SUV while firing shots and throwing explosive devices out the windows?

A spokesman for the FBI said new light has been shed onto the case that implicates the Tsarnaev brothers as practitioners of the mostly fictional art form of gun fu.

“We’re looking for clues and answers as to how they could have held off so many heavily armed police officers, SWAT team members, and federal agents throughout the early morning hours,” said the FBI spokesman. “We think there might have been an ancient and deadly art used, called gun kata.”

With a red face, the spokesman tried to clear the confusion about what gun kata is, and how it might have been used by the brothers Tsarnaev. “We believe the two suspects had an uncanny ability to gracefully dodge bullets fired by police,” he said, and then coughed quickly into his sleeve. “We believe the suspects fired shots with their guns behind their backs, over their heads, and even from between their legs.”

Gun fu has been made popular in Hong Kong action cinema. It has famously been used in the movieEquilibrium, which stars Christian Bale as a high ranking Grammaton Cleric, who is an expert at gun kata, and can use weapons in an unusually effective and artistic way.

Investigators at the scene of the chase with the stolen SUV and the subsequent firefight have admitted only one gun was found. The police shut down most of the city of Boston in the pursuit. Residents were forced to stay inside. It was only after the ban was lifted that a local man stepped outside to have a cigarette and noticed something amiss about the tarp over his luxury boat. That led to the capture of the younger brother.

Early police scanner reports heard officers calling to “burn it down”, but the idea was scrapped because not only was the boat particularly well-crafted, the FBI wanted the young man suspected of the bombing to be taken alive for questioning. Some in the media said Dzhokhar narrowly escaped being “Dornered”, which refers to the late former LAPD officer who went on a rampage in Southern California before police burned him alive in a cabin in Big Bear.

The boat which held the sleeping younger brother did, however, get shredded in a flurry of gunfire from police. Magically, Dzhokhar was not killed.

A former Navy SEAL admitted he was jealous of the Tsarnaev’s combat skills, and mused what would have happened if the army were filled with soldiers as deadly as the brothers on that early morning shootout that caused police to lock down the city and put most of their resources into capturing the two fugitives.

Dzhokhar, 19, was taken alive the morning after the police shootout, and he’s been locked into a 10×10 foot cage at Fort Devens. He suffers from a wound to his trachea that has stifled his speech. His older brother, Tamerlan, was later killed in the clash, but only after first being ordered to strip naked, arrested, and then somehow ending up loaded with bullets and trodden beneath the wheels of a police vehicle.