Dear Dirty America


New Bathroom Facility for Los Angeles Homeless To Be Giant Sandbox

June 12
17:50 2012

A much smaller blueprint of the planned facility

LOS ANGELES — Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa announced Tuesday afternoon plans to build a large facility where the city’s homeless can relieve themselves without hassle from police or local store owners. Villaraigosa’s plans come on the heels of Philadelphia’s recent legislation banning citizens to feed the city’s homeless population.

“It’s a bold step forward by me and my team not just for Los Angeles, but for the nation, to help the plight of our soaring homeless populations,” Villaraigosa said at a press conference.

The mayor fielded questions from a bewildered group of reporters and concerned citizens. Where would this facility be? What would it look like? Just a bunch of bathrooms? Would it become a cesspool of drug use and violence?

“We don’t know where it’s going to be yet, exactly, but we’re looking at empty lots downtown, close to Skid Row, for easy access for the most homeless. We’re looking to dignify their lives. Make them better. Especially after early last year with the dead pigeon drop at Larry King Square.”

But what would it look like, another reporter shouted. “A large sand box, basically,” the mayor said. “Honestly, we can’t think of a better, more efficient design than an enormous box of sand where individuals can do number one and two wherever and however they please.” Villaraigosa then used his hands to demonstrate digging a hole in the hypothetical sand, and then covering with sand whatever waste would be dumped there.

Instruction placards showing a homeless person how to properly relieve himself would hang around the tall chain-linked fence shielding the sandbox from the outside. “We could have a few city officials the first couple of weeks training people how to squat, or basically do their business with as little hassle or mess as possible,” Villairagosa said. There would be no playing allowed.

Across the nation cities have passed legislation making charity and aid to homeless populations more difficult and tightly regulated. Villaraigosa admitted his plan would loosen regulation, but at the same time shore up the problems of almost twenty thousand homeless people living on the downtown streets of his city.

“The facility –the sandbox, we’ve been calling it — will be as sanitary as possible. The sand will be changed at certain intervals. Daily, weekly, we don’t know yet. But it will beat having these folks go in the streets, on the sidewalks, behind the bushes, in the trashcans, and beleaguering local shop owners to use their modest facilities.” Best of all, the facility will be free for all.

Pepe Giacometti, a local shop owner specializing in cheap electronics and home appliances, said this new plan for a public homeless bathroom was a blessing. “I can hardly run a business,” he said, “with a bunch of down-and-out people coming every day to use my pisser. I say, ‘You here to buy something first?’ and they say, ‘Just need to use the restroom, old man’ and I say, ‘Well then, you aren’t using the restroom’ and then they get angry, belligerent, or just plain try to make me feel bad. And all of this, even with the sign on the door that says I have no public restroom.”


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    Anonymous July 01, 21:52


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