Dear Dirty America


2300 Page Healthcare Bill Said to Be Post Modernist & Self Referential

July 03
23:00 2012

(dedicated to sluffabout)

WASHINGTON DC — How will Barack Obama sell his healthcare bill to scores of skeptical Americans? Today, the White House tried a fresh approach in piquing the attention of the masses.

From the ideological left and right we’ve heard just about every possible angle concerning the recently Supreme Court-upheld Affordable Care Act. From MSNBC’s constant giddy Sesame Street styled adulation, to Rush Limbaugh’s frantic the-theater-is-burning warnings, to radio show host Alex Jones’ on-air weeping, we now have yet another perspective from which to tackle the 2300-page document. As pure narrative, which even becomes self-referential about halfway through.

White House spokesperson Jay Carney played literature expert during a press conference for reporters today. He sought to answer any “unfulfilled questions” about the Affordable Care Act, and the Supreme Court’s role in upholding the individual mandate concern. But he really wished to “flesh out” yet another aspect of the bill. His performance has bolstered the rumor among Democrats that Carney is, truly, a man of much distinction.

“It’s like pure narrative,” Carney told reporters, before he took questions. “The bill has been described to me as two parts James Joyce, and one part David Foster Wallace. Beneath the circumlocutions, there is a story.” Nobody in the major news outlets, or in D.C. circuits had any clue Carney knew much about challenging English literature, but he talked very eloquently about the subject.

ABC’s Jake Tapper, a known Jay Carney ball buster, interrupted with the question, “What hallmarks of the bill qualify it to be described as ‘two parts James Joyce, and one part’ Wallace?”

Carney responded, “Other than impossibly difficult to understand passages, and the fact that very few people will ever read the whole thing, the document becomes blatantly self-referential on page 1139, when the bill begins to have a conversation with the policies, and then pokes fun at the various underwriters. That’s almost like two hallmarks of challenging English literature.” Carney performed his degenerative little chuckle and explained: “I mean, it isn’t until over eleven hundred pages that the document becomes meta-law or, if we’re going with the narrative approach, self-referential.”

Tapper responded, “So the healthcare bill begins referring to itself as a bill, and the process of writing it?”

“Sure,” Carney answered, while the other reporters restlessly shifted in their folding chairs, “the bill starts drawing attention to itself, and to the techniques employed in creating it. It’s kind of creepy, from what I’ve understood. It even laments, supposedly, at one point that it’s being chained down and tortured by the sharp pens held in the hands of zealous lawyers for the health insurance companies”

“You haven’t actually read it?” Tapper asked. Carney admitted that nobody he knew of had actually read the thing. “The story — excuse me, the narrative you’re speaking of — can’t be that good, then,” Tapper added.

Carney shook his head. “It’s just so damned long and challenging. The official White House Twitter account is considering tweeting the most interesting parts.”

The White House is sure to continue with various “sales pitches” to spur popularity and excitement over the healthcare bill, as election day rapidly approaches.


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The Dear Dirty Newswire spits out surreal news items blending truthful ideas with a satirical premise. Nobody can control the old newswire from sputtering and printing barely readable, inky pages of news. DDA’s editors and administrators never dare question what it produces. 

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