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Dick Cheney Caught Acting Like Farm Animal: Recent Heart Transplant Suspected

May 15
10:00 2012
DEAR DIRTY NEWSWIRE

[This news story has significantly developed since first breaking. Please click here for latest]

[UPDATED BELOW]

JACKSON, WY — The former Vice President Dick Cheney has, purportedly, been acting strange after his recent heart transplant. Cheney, 71 years old, successfully underwent the surgery in late March, and was said to be doing fine until the recent rumors were heard coming out of Wyoming this morning.

The details are few, and probably just unseasonably hot air, but neighbors nearby the former VP’s Wyoming residence said paramedics were called in very early this morning, and then police came later. Two psychologists from Switzerland were supposedly being airlifted to the Cheney residence. A team of doctors are said to be setting up twenty-four hour surveillance of the 71-one year old politician, but these reports have only come from the local townspeople of Jackson.

A few specific stories about the former VP’s strange behavior have been collected by small news sources, but none have been released or printed due to the sensitivity of the claims, and the prestige of the man with which they’re concerned.

Former Vice President Cheney served two terms under the George W Bush administration, starting in 2000. He has been a harsh critic of the Obama administration and known as possibly the most aggressive, most powerful VP in the nation’s history. He had his first of five heart attacks at age 37. Since 2010, Cheney’s heart had been powered by an electrical pump.

No word yet from the Cheney family. This is a developing story….

He’s Behaving Like A Farm Animal!

[UPDATE] — A source close to the Cheney family has confirmed the earlier rumors that the former VP was engaging in disturbing, erratic behavior. His wife, Lynne, found her naked husband nested in a stack of dusty hay inside of the rustic barn on the family’s sprawling Wyoming property.

The Cheney family has not offered any public statements, but the source revealed more about the former VP’s recent oddities. “After she found him in the haystack, Mr Cheney scurried away from her and plopped in a large mud hole just outside the barn. He rolled and rooted around while Lynne screamed. She must have been terrified.”

The 71-year old politician, on his hands and knees, lifted his face from the mud and sputtered and spit. “His glasses were buried, we never found them,” the source said. Cheney jerked forward with a “kind of energy we haven’t seen him have for over thirty-four years”. The source was reluctant to go into further detail, but he did hint at the VP having a recharged libido. “Let’s just say,” he finally said, “he’s sliding his genitals over the grass and sticking them wherever he finds an opening.”

Some of the nation’s best psychologists and doctors are administering their services to Mr Cheney, but so far nobody official has released any statement. Lynne Cheney was overheard exclaiming in what must have been frustrated horror: “You’re behaving like a farm animal.”

She also made a frantic phone call to an unnamed relative that was picked up by a local policeman’s handheld radio and broadcast over the scanner, “He’ll have another big one [heart attack]. We couldn’t catch him. He trotted across the yard like an animal. My God he wasn’t wearing clothes.” Mrs Cheney broke down to describe her husband “wallowing in his own fecal matter.” She could barely tell how it was smeared over his face and chest.

“They’ve got to keep plastic and anything else away from him,” the source said, “because he’s been chewing on water bottles and soda cans.” He admitted the former VP’s behavior was, indeed, disturbing, and that there are fears it has something to do with his body not fully taking to its new heart.

The source promised to provide more details when the chance arose. For more insight on Cheney’s legacy of scary behavior, please see Dick Cheney’s new memoir In My Time to offer strong views from a questionable heart.

This is a developing story….

DEAR DIRTY NEWSWIRE

The Dear Dirty Newswire spits out surreal news items blending truthful ideas with a satirical premise. Nobody can control the old newswire from sputtering and printing barely readable, inky pages of news. DDA’s editors and administrators never dare question what it produces. 

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