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Young Iraqis Send Ailing Dick Cheney Online Get Well Soon Message from Baghdad

May 24
09:00 2012
DEAR DIRTY NEWSWIRE

Iraqi boys, from 2003, just before Baghdad was bombed,
now as young men wishing Dick Cheney a speedy recovery

A seasoned playwright couldn’t pen a more touching and suitable scene depicting two separate but similarly torn worlds smashed together by the powers of the Internet. It’s been a week and a half since former vice president Dick Cheney exhibited strange behavior that launched a million rumors online, and is still being ignored by the mainstream media. Even when his doctor made his startling admission, the news story was shunned. (relevant links below)

Despite the media blackout, the news spread the message to every corner of the world, including Baghdad. Young Iraqis came together in the last couple days to create a “get well soon” video to send the former VP. The video, confirmed by a close source of the family, was received by the Cheneys.

“Mr Cheney is not in any state of mind to watch and comprehend a video, much less garbled English said through thick Middle Eastern accents,” the source said, “but he seemed to have a special gleam in his eye while it was playing.” The former VP reportedly chewed the ends of his blanket as he watched the video from bed. “He’s gone through four heavy-duty blankets so far. He constantly chews on anything around him. Plastic bottles. Old soup cans. Leather shoes.”

The video from Baghdad shows just under a dozen young Iraqis who were children when the US invaded Iraq in 2003. Most of the young men and women remain nameless throughout, but one man is featured. His name is Amir. He lost both of his parents and one arm in the first wave of US bombings, but has turned into a pleasant young man, just the same.

He expressed his desire to make tribute to Dick Cheney, and thank him for being one of the ringleaders in bringing “great and special democracy to the land of Iraq, and to its many peoples.” Liberty isn’t cheap, and “Mr Cheney’s extended efforts to bring that to us still sits heavy in our hearts, and with those who didn’t make it through the transition,” he said, referring to his parents and deceased friends.

Without any hint of derision, he mentioned the electricity was still out in his neighborhood, and has been for seven years. “But what’s another twelve to eighteen months without running water and power?” Amir said at the camera. “Officials say by then it’ll be back on. It’s all been worth it for new democracy.” The video wrapped up with Amir saying on behalf of all freedom-loving Iraqis that they truly wished a speedy recover, God willing, for Mr Vice President Dick Cheney.

Whatever he thought of the video, his family has a hard time knowing, because Mr Cheney is also having trouble communicating. Most of the time his eyes are glassy and unresponsive to the pleas of his wife Lynne, and the psychologists who surround his bed at all hours of the day and night monitoring Mr Cheney’s precarious and baffling situation.

“He’s only made grunts and squeaks for the past week and a half. Mrs Cheney is in a seriously demented state of mind. Can you blame her? She’s watching her husband turn into a pig,” the source said.

Dick Cheney’s recent heart transplant last month went sour, and now he’s in a pitiable state. His doctors admitted they’d given him a fresh working pig’s heart in a last minute attempt to cover their tragic mistake involving the human donor’s heart Cheney was supposed to receive. Now, as can happen in rare instances, Mr Cheney is having symptoms of turning into a farm animal.

“It seems the heart, the foreign organ, is causing Mr Cheney to have overwhelming urges to act like its original host,” said Dr Grangum, the surgeon who is responsible for the mix-up. In short, Grangum told reporters, Mr Cheney is acting like a full-blown pig. Pending lawsuits and possible criminal charges are in the works against the malfeasant doctor, but no word yet if he’ll go to trial.

DEAR DIRTY NEWSWIRE

The Dear Dirty Newswire spits out surreal news items blending truthful ideas with a satirical premise. Nobody can control the old newswire from sputtering and printing barely readable, inky pages of news. DDA’s editors and administrators never dare question what it produces. 

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