Dear Dirty America


Obama Admits Gay Marriage Stance Came from Wild Dream

May 16
21:00 2012

WASHINGTON — Barack Obama leveled with America about the peculiar event that truly changed his mind about same-sex marriage. He denied Vice President Biden’s outburst the day before forced him to make his groundbreaking announcement. The real catalyst happened to be a dream involving the first truly gay president, James Buchanan.

Obama’s voice wavered as he spoke of the occurrence. “I didn’t notice right away that the man standing before me was the 15th president of the United States, James Buchanan. His tall shiny forehead gleamed with a light so bright I was forced to cover my eyes.” Obama, not knowing he was dreaming, said he glanced at Michelle sleeping beside him, thinking the bright light would wake her. “She was out like bin Laden after he took one between the eyes,” the president said, “which happened during the raid last year, that I boldly authorized and commanded.”

As the light dimmed, it was clear Buchanan wore an expensive looking cotton robe, tied tight around his waist. The robe hung open, exposing the 15th president’s bare white chest. Around his neck was strung a bow tie. “So tight,” Obama mentioned, “Mr Buchanan’s face was turning beet red.” The president instinctively reached out to loosen Buchanan’s bow tie for him, but the old bachelor president immediately disrobed.

“His body was completely hairless and very, very white. At first I thought he was snarling,” Obama recalled, “because his teeth were bared, and his lips quivering. ‘He’s got Breitbart’s mouth,’ I thought to myself,” the president said, referring to the late conservative blogger and journalist, Andrew Breitbart.

Instead of fury, Obama soon noticed, Buchanan’s facial grimace was out of pure sexual frenzy. Abraham Lincoln’s predecessor maintained a very impressive and taut male member that Obama carefully hinted at without using any loaded language. “He was frustrated in a sexual way. He had a lot of, ehm, energy in his blood, and I could see it on his face.”

The president thought Buchanan was making eyes at the sleeping Michelle, but Buchanan moved closer to the bed to grab Obama’s wrist. “I jerked my hand away and was ready to shout for help,” a candid Obama said. “Dreams change so fast, because when I looked again, I saw a tattoo on his body that said, ‘James Buchanan, first gay president, not you‘. That’s when I knew who he was, and what he was visiting me for.”

Obama woke up soon after, relieved to know the naked James Buchanan was only a “figment of my own stressed imagination”. Obama also knew what he had to do. Give Buchanan his due. “I’d been snapping up the headlines and unwillingly taking all the credit for my gay marriage announcement, but I had never mentioned the one president who was actually, barely in the closet. Most of the nation knew he was gay.”

President Obama thought everything was back to normal after he woke up. He blinked his eyes and took a drink of water from a glass on the nightstand. “I turned around to face Michelle, to see if she’d woken up yet from my shifting and turning. I nearly jumped out of my own skin,” he said, as he described a hazy apparition pawing at his wife. The ghost struggled to pull away the covers from the sleeping woman.

Thomas Jefferson. Obama recognized him right away. “He’s been stalking through the White House ever since we moved in,” the president said. “He’s extremely recognizable. And he’s got something for my wife. We’ve been terrified before. Most likely we’ll be sleeping with Secret Service in the room from now on, even though that’s not entirely safe these days,” he said, referring to the Colombian scandal last month.

Jefferson eventually floated away, but only after some goading by the president. The revolutionary’s always banging his drum and causing a lot of racket. The problem is being looked into by the nation’s best mediums and ghost hunters. There haven’t been any firm solutions to dissolving the stubborn ghost of Jefferson.


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The Dear Dirty Newswire spits out surreal news items blending truthful ideas with a satirical premise. Nobody can control the old newswire from sputtering and printing barely readable, inky pages of news. DDA’s editors and administrators never dare question what it produces. 

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