Dear Dirty America

Beyoncé opened up about her miscarriage on “Oprah’s Next Channel”, and admitted that Satan had actually taken her first child. What the darkest angel had done with Beyoncé’s child, neither the superstar singer nor Oprah knew.

Did he eat it? Did he rape it? Did he re-insert it into the womb of another woman living in Bangladesh? Oprah offered a number of the questions to the lead singer of the now defunct Destiny’s Child, but the star refused to speculate.

“There are so many couples that go through miscarriage,” Beyoncé told Oprah, the Queen of Materialism, “but my story was especially embarrassing, because mine was not traditionally how people think of it.”

Oprah sat especially upright on the couch and pursed her lips. She stared hard at the multiplatinum pop star.

“Satan took my first child,” Beyoncé admitted, “per our deal we made a long, long time ago.”

The superstar quickly defended herself by saying she’d misunderstood the gravelly voice in her ear, which was telling her worldwide fame came with a price, especially when one lacks the excruciating amount of talent necessary to be so famous. He talked so fast, and he kind of mumbled, the singer said.

“I thought by miscarry he meant the baby would be crouched in the womb slightly off to the side, in an uncomfortable way, or something like that,” Beyoncé told Oprah. “I thought maybe I’d have bad gas or extra cramping. That maybe I’d just be carrying him in my womb funny. Instead, I guess he meant, well, you know what he meant.”

Oprah’s eyes became wet. She reached over and grabbed the pop singer’s hand and said she knew all about the process of give and take.

“You’ve got your good-looking, successful man, even if his head does look a bit like a pineapple, and you’ve got your career, and you’ve now got Blue Ivy,” Oprah said, clearly comforting the singer. “It wasn’t a horrific deal.”

Insensitive critics online have already blasted the cherished pop star with statements like, “Why would a singer who has made a deal with Satan have to lip sync during the National Anthem? Shouldn’t that be included in her powers, as dictated by the supposed contract between her and God’s most powerful, fallen angel?”

Beyoncé Knowles has won 17 Grammy Awards and 12 MTV Music Video Awards. She’s been given the Billboard Millennium Award, and a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, which is, famously enough, only two stars down from the much decried Charles Manson star. http://www.deardirtyamerica.com/2011/08/sneak-peak-at-controversial-hollywood.html

To no one’s surprise at all, Knowles has sold over 13 million albums in the United States, and over 75 million worldwide.