Dear Dirty America


Man Gets Arrested for Hanging Stained American Flag

August 05
19:08 2011

J.B. Dikruck isn’t happy that he spent 48 hours behind bars in a tiny Sheriff’s station in Kentucky. He says he didn’t break the law, but sheriff Apenow disagrees and says Dikruck was repeatedly warned about his behavior but ignored it. What was the offense? Dikruck, like many residents in this small Kentucky town, erected a tall flag pole to the top of his trailer home and ran up an enormous American flag. Except there was one problem: the flag had a giant grape juice stain.

“You could see the gawdamn stain for miles,” Apenow says, “and frankly, we were embarrassed. What if the Chinese saw that dirty flag. Or the Russians, or the Japanese. Or these Somalian terror cells within our borders? What kind of impression would they get about Americans if they saw an American flag with a three foot stain in the center of it?”

The sheriff says he didn’t say anything to Dikruck at first because he knew the other residents would scold him and shame him into getting a new flag. “I’m all for hanging that beautiful flag everywhere possible. Can’t get enough flags in my town,” Apenow says, “but they had better be pretty fricken’ pristine if they’re waving in my jurisdiction.”

Dikruck says he was never warned, but that he did receive dirty looks from a few of the town’s older women. “They would scowl at me, but I never knew why. It’s not like anybody said, ‘Take down that flag’ or nothing. Then one day the sheriff and four deputies busted down my door, put me in a headlock, and dragged me to the station. Set bail at fifteen grand!” he exclaims. “Have you ever heard of that?”

Dikruck says the stained flag has sentimental value and was given to him by his late father, Arnold. “Sure, I could save up some cash and invest in a new American flag. Best thing a person can purchase, in my opinion, but I’m not going to when this flag means the whole world to me. I love my dad.”

The flagrant purple stain on the flag came about ten years ago when Dikruck was graduating high school. “Mom and Dad were together then, and we were all a little drunk and Dad took out the flag to give it to me. As he unfolded it, I tipped over an entire carton of grape juice onto it. He wasn’t happy, and for the last decade I hid the flag in my trunk, but two weeks ago I thought that wasn’t right. So I hung it up. And then I got arrested.”

Dikruck awaits his hearing from the judge. After a national outcry, he was let out of jail with $300 bail. “That seemed more reasonable, because I love this country as much as the next guy. Probably more.” Dikruck plans to sue. “I’ve been called a Marxist and a communist and that just doesn’t seem right. I want my honor back.”

Sheriff Apenow plans to pursue the maximum sentence against Dikruck.


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