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Pentagon Caught with Underground Castrati Choir

February 09
12:30 2012
Dear Dirty Newswire



WASHINGTON — The Department of Defense is under fire for its alleged castrati choir housed in the deep recesses of hidden bunkers below the Pentagon. Witnesses have stepped forward to say a choir of castrati have always been an active part of Washington elites, and the rich tradition stems back centuries. Defense Secretary Leon Panetta categorically denied all rumors about a choir of castrated men, although he did admit some employees in the Pentagon have a problem with abusing child porn.

A castrato (plural: castrati) is a man who has a singing voice equivalent to a mezzo soprano or contralto by means of castration. The method was used primarily during the Baroque era, when 70 percent of male opera singers were emasculated, between the years 1600-1750.

A young man has claimed he escaped from a “decorated dungeon type place” where boys and men of all ages undergo continuous musical training. “We each have to go through the process,” the anonymous young man revealed in his tell-all confession. “When we’re boys, they snip off our testicles before we hit puberty, to preserve our voices, and then they soak us in a milk bath. Whole milk. We bleed and it hurts like the dickens but then, some hours later, it doesn’t hurt as bad. When the milk’s a dark pink, you know you’re almost done.”

The choir regularly performed for Pentagon officials, and frequently brought them to tears with their cherubic voices. God’s own choir, many called them, according to the source.

Attorney General Eric Holder says he’s looked into the matter and sees no foul play, nor any evidence of castrati singers. He does acknowledge the need for music in the Pentagon. “It’s a stressful place,” he said. He also denies allegations of the young man’s story and offered another solution. “This person probably suffered an accident, you know where, and now he’s trying to blame the US government. Typical story.”

Holder did admit that castrati do have voices of angels and that if the method in making them weren’t so “darn horrific” he’d say he was a fan.

More details are expected to emerge in the coming weeks.

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