Dear Dirty America


White House & Lawmakers Repeated Failure to Compromise; Hard Chairs May Be To Blame

White House & Lawmakers Repeated Failure to Compromise; Hard Chairs May Be To Blame
October 12
15:20 2013


After a closed-door meeting, House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) told his fellow Republicans that the White House had rejected the latest offer to keep the government running by temporarily raising the debt ceiling in order to avoid a default. House Majority Leader Eric Cantor expressed his disappointment in the president, and said Obama is “trying to see which Senate Republican he can pick off….”

Americans, meanwhile, are collectively sick of the fighting and subsequent inaction of their elected officials. Sixty percent of Americans say they would like to throw out every member of Congress.

While the debate between Democrats and Republicans (along with their Tea Party faction) is complex and confounding average Americans and lawmakers alike, there may be a simpler reason both sides can’t decide on a deal to save the United States’ economy and reputation around the world.

“This is not rocket science,” exiled cultural philosopher Hubert Humdinger said to me over our shaky Skype connection. He explained from his undisclosed location in Northern Europe that even though ‘rocket science’ is one of the less complex sciences compared to the range of studies today, the expression still stands.

“It should not be hard to agree on a deal for the good of a few hundred million Americans, as well as for the rest of the world and their globally-connected economies. There’s got to be something else at stake.”

Humdinger pointed me to a little known interview with a White House aide from a few days ago. “The chairs in the conference room where the president has been meeting with top GOP leaders for the past few years,” the aide nervously told reporters in a seeming bit of irrelevant banter, “are so damned hard they make your butt hurt in about fifteen minutes.”

Could this discomfort have something to do with the repeated failures of Congress and the White House to negotiate for the betterment of American markets and society? If the WH aide is correct, how would it feel to be planted on those uncomfortable chairs for hours while trying to absorb the latest details and proposals from both parties?

“This is basic, simple, social science. When your ass is on a hard seat,” Humdinger said, “you are less likely to soften your approach with other humans, and more likely to maintain a hard ass position. While this may not always affect every mature adult, let it be remembered that we are not dealing with mature adults in this situation, we are dealing with children. And when children’s butts hurt, they whine, they get stubborn, they cry.”

So why not get softer seats? “These narcissistic political cannibals don’t want softer seats in their conference rooms, either,” Humdinger said. “They know the connection between the physical and the mental. This is not news to them. If the president invited the GOP into a room with padded seats, they would stay standing. ‘We will not be coerced into a softer line of thinking,'” Humdinger said, mimicking the drawling voice of Kentucky Tea Party senator Rand Paul. “‘We will not be pampered into submission.'”

Not even a cold drink to loosen their asses on those metal chairs:


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