Dear Dirty America

LOS ANGELES — Military officials handed out (Rocket-Propelled-Grenade Launchers) RPGs and a simple list of instructions to a handful of responsible Angelenos Wednesday afternoon as they practiced sky maneuvers over downtown Los Angeles. The directions were for the selected citizens to take a single shot with their RPG when a military chopper passed over.

“We figured if we were going to do drills over Los Angeles with our big choppers, we might as well have a little realistic ground resistance,” an anonymous military official said. “We are training our boys, after all, for real life situations.”

What if one of the helicopters were to be hit by the grenade launcher? “We don’t plan to actually suffer an on target shots. American citizens typically don’t know how to shoot guns, much less RPGs, so we aren’t worried. We really want to be shot at. Our pilots have to get used to dodging civilian type ground resistance.”

But what happens if one citizen gets a lucky shot and shoots down an American aircraft? “That’s the risk we’re willing to take,” the official said. “We’re willing to go overseas and kill, so we’re also willing to be killed. Part of the game. Let me tell you, there isn’t a better rush than a really close call.”

What kinds of war games is the US military practicing over Los Angeles? “That’s confidential, but basically we’re gearing up for urban warfare, overseas of course. If things got too bad in the US, our forces could also move in and restore order, now that the Constitution doesn’t prohibit that anymore. But that’ll never happen.”

Many people in the greater Los Angeles area noticed a Black Hawk helicopter and four OH-6 choppers terrorizing the skies over US Bank and Staples Center. The US military has said all RPG rounds were fired on cue, and as they’d suspected, none of their aircraft were hit. One round did clip the top of the US Bank building, but most people considered that a successful shot.

 DEAR DIRTY NEWSWIRE

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