Dear Dirty America


America & China’s Quest for Archaic Alchemy Secret

June 10
15:51 2012


WASHINGTON, DC — America’s Chinese ambassador Mao Fuhzi and State Department Secretary Hillary Clinton had the old ‘back-and-forth’ about which country could first successfully discover the alchemical formula for turning shit to gold. Although vast importance is entangled into discovering this unsavory secret, because the first successful country would get the initial patent on the process, it is an age-old tiresome debate. That country, then, would be far and away the most dominant power on the globe, both by producing so much fresh gold to fully stock its reserves, but also because the overall price of gold would more easily be manipulated by said country. 

“Gold would become the world’s new reserve currency, instead of the US dollar. If the US finds the secret first, they just extend their stranglehold on the world, but if China wins, we’ll see a sudden, startling world power shift,” said exiled cultural philosopher Hubert Humdinger [pronounced hum-din-jur], who recently regained much-deserved fame when reports confirming Queen Elizabeth II cannibalism surfaced online. Humdinger had been claiming that for thirty plus years, and ridiculed for just as long. 

It’s still uncertain if Clinton and Fuhzi’s heated dialogue was in fun, despite the frenzy of passionate declarations and speeches. For example, Clinton could barely stay in her seat as she said her country deserved to find the alchemical process of turning shit to gold first. But China’s ambassador turned it around and said the real honor would be for the Chinese because of their billion plus people. “That’s a lot of shit, and China would do good for the world with all that gold,” he exclaimed with a big, crooked smile. In his eyes, however, there was a perceivable tension. 

“Half of your population doesn’t even get to eat everyday,” Clinton shot back. “And many more don’t eat very much, very often. Americans are always eating. Which means they’re constantly shitting. Far more economical would be, I would say, a successful alchemical process discovered and utilized here, in America. China can surely invest in it.” 

Fuhzi responded, “Yes, that’s right. America eats up more than a quarter of the world’s resources and turns it to shit.

Despite the harsh words, the United States and China will remain friends, despite the strange aberrant outbursts by Chinese military officials who talk of doing a nuclear surgical strike to neutralize America.

This report comes on the heels of rumors that Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke and President Obama lighted a green “money” candle in hopes of avoiding a double dip recession, and to spur the flow of money in society after the dreadful, most recent jobs report.


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The Dear Dirty Newswire spits out surreal news items blending truthful ideas with a satirical premise. Nobody can control the old newswire from sputtering and printing barely readable, inky pages of news. DDA’s editors and administrators never dare question what it produces. 

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