Dear Dirty America

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Lt John Pike Offers Statement to Occupiers: I Use Pepper Spray as Hot Sauce

November 22
06:01 2011
DEAR DIRTY NEWSWIREDAVIS, CA — Late Monday night, UC Davis Lt John Pike, offered a statement to the world about his actions Friday. Pike came to fame after videos showed him pepper spraying unarmed, peaceful students sitting in a row. He used a large canister of the burning chemical, and he liberally hosed down the students like an incensed householder would spray Raid on cornered insects.

Lt Pike wanted to explain in his usual gruff manner that what took place on Friday was not nearly as hostile or aggressive as the students and Occupiers have made it out to be. “As far as I’m concerned,” Pike candidly wrote in his statement, “pepper spray isn’t that hot. I like Mexican food, and I’ve been known to pull out my spray from my police belt and spice up a carnitas burrito. Some Mexican food just isn’t hot enough. I like a burning sensation. The hipsters should not be such pussies.”

Many online activists have called Pike’s words offensive and childish, even though Pike warns early on in his statement that he’s going to be serious and frank. His goal is to set the true tone of the events at UC Davis.

Lt Pike addressed the newly-viral art images he’s been creatively inserted into, such as da Vinci’s the Last Supper. “I think the artwork featuring me is pretty funny. One piece has me spraying Jesus’ face. You don’t see him crying about it. Pepper spray isn’t that hot. Yes, it burns, but it’s manageable. All those whining college students and hippies should stop being pussies. I’m actually a hero.

“Not to get too personal here, but I’m trying to clarify my actions: I’ve been known to spray a little on the end of my penis before banging. It has a prickling sensation, but that’s it. I can tell you, no woman’s ever whined from it being too hot. Nobody’s ever gotten chemical burns. It’s actually stimulating.”

He summed up his statement with a defiant sentence: “I will not stop using pepper spray, but will continue enjoying it in my food, in the bedroom, and making pussy protesters cry.”

Pike’s statement was quickly removed from the web by UC Davis and their lawyers, but pieces of the statement are still floating around. Dear Dirty America snagged a complete copy of the offensive memo, but  has decided not to reproduce the entire version on this site for fear of backlash from Pike and his associates. Instead, DDA chose the most peculiar and pathetic snippets from the five-hundred word statement.

IN OTHER NEWS

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