Dear Dirty America

In a hushed deal made in the early morning hours, the White House was officially sold to Goldman Sachs. Word leaked out from an anonymous source who claimed he was very familiar with the situation, and soon after the official White House website issued a statement from the Obama administration. Other federal government properties may be up for sale later in the year as cash-strapped America desperately tries to raise revenue every way it can.

The property reportedly went for tens of billions of dollars, but the exact figure has yet to be confirmed.

“Nothing will change at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave,” the Obama administration’s online statement read, “and nothing will change here in Washington. It’ll be business as usual. The only difference is that the property rights are now in the hands of one of America’s finest financial institutions. We decided America needed to use its funds for more appropriate endeavors than property upkeep.”

The obvious Goldman Sachs lashings cracked throughout the blogosphere as soon as word of the sale leaked. Goldman CEO Lloyd Blankfein also felt it important to issue a statement about the recent purchase of America’s most famous and esteemed building.

“Goldman Sachs invests in debt, commodities, and property. Yes, we made a killing off of your financial crisis, but we make killings off of lots of other things as well, some not as negative. This sale is not abnormal. We have almost as many former employees working in the White House as we do in our firms. The White House was put up for bidding, and we offered the highest. We are happy and pleased it will stay in American hands, because the second highest bidders were the Chinese.”

Online activists and pundits expressed their fury over Blankfein’s brazen statement. “If he’s suggesting he and Goldman saved America’s White House from the Chinese, he’s a complete asshole,” one blogger wrote.

For the president to continue living and working in the White House, the American people will have to pay rent. “Monetary negotiations are in the works,” Blankfein wrote, “to charge a reasonable rate that will both honor and serve our country.”

DEAR DIRTY NEWSWIRE

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