Mitt Romney Wakes Up with Two Heads
“We’re going to have to cut one off,” a polycephalic specialist said via Skype, “but we don’t know which of the heads is the real Mitt, and which is the impostor. Never have I seen a human grow an extra head overnight like that.” The doctor said his medical team is confident they will be able to surgically remove the extra growth and Mr Romney “will continue on with his life.”
While the Romney campaign has finally confirmed that Mitt has, indeed, grown an extra talking head right beside his regular one, they aren’t calling the growth a head. They have labeled it an unfortunate, but easily removed blemish.
Romney intern Zachary Gillfire is under a lot of pressure for writing about his boss’ condition on a famous social media network. “Mitt’s laying there on the bed, and everybody’s gathered around him. Nobody can believe their eyes. I mean, I haven’t seen a human with two heads before,” the intern wrote. “Nobody wanted to move him, so they called the doctor, but he didn’t believe us at first.”
Gillfire said he’d heard many people say Romney needed two mouths to keep up with all of his political aspirations and beliefs, but if that was the same as the formation of another head, he wasn’t sure.
Gillfire later told reporters that both of Mitt’s heads looked “exactly the same,” and both were screaming political rhetoric. “I guess he eats, sleeps, and breathes politics, so that’s all he knows. One head was saying it was pro-choice, then the other head would shout even louder that he was anti-choice. Then the first head would yell it was for government mandated health insurance, but the other head would rudely interrupt and say Obamacare should be repealed.”
Both heads’ mouths chattered all morning about illegal immigrants, the War on Terror, and big bank bailouts. One head was adamantly against the recent news that former president Bush was going on a bombing campaign in Afghanistan, and flying his own jet, while the other head said it was about time a president show his brazen spirit if he wants to start wars.
He’d never seen such a chaotic scene, Gillfire admitted, and he was truly frightened. “This is my first time working on a campaign. They didn’t teach me about this at Harvard. I had no idea politicians could turn into monsters.” In an attempt to lighten the situation, the intern joked with reporters that “some politicians were losing precious body parts, and others were sprouting them.”
His comment was obviously referencing the recent and gruesome castration done to Newt Gingrich in a truck stop bathroom by Karl Rove’s henchmen.
Mitt’s wife, Ann, has already suffered a mental and emotional breakdown from spending the entire day questioning both of her husband’s heads, trying to decide which is the original, real one. “It’s utterly exhausting, and the worst kind of real life nightmare. I don’t know who the real Mitt is. Both heads contradict each other every single time. I can’t tell,” she said, in tears, “I just can’t tell.”
Ann Romney is reported to have said, “Who would vote for a man with two heads?” The nation awaits the answer. Doctors want to begin surgery later tonight, which places wife Ann under an extreme amount of pressure to identify the impostor head.
“Which one, which one, which one,” she asked herself, “is my husband?”
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