Dear Dirty America


Snoozing Biden Wakes & Saves Obama’s DREAM Act Speech by Picking Off Boisterous Chirping Bird

June 18
18:47 2012

WASHINGTON, DC — Skeptics of the Obama administration are calling Biden’s solution to a seemingly trivial problem a testament to the president’s first three and a half years in office. Bird enthusiasts are appalled. PETA has, in retaliation, published on their website photo-shopped images of what a naked Joe Biden would look like. And Hispanic immigrants couldn’t care less about Biden’s move, now that they have President Obama’s grace and blessing.

While the president made his big announcement about halting deportations of the children of illegal immigrants, a wily bird sang and trilled. At times, the melodious bird’s incantations drowned out the president’s very important message. But then Vice President Joe Biden awoke from a light nap and fixed the problem in what some are calling “an overly harsh move”.

“I’d gone down for a quick snooze and I heard the president talking outside on the lawn. Somebody kept interjecting and interrupting him, and he [Obama] was getting angry. That woke me up, and then I heard that damn bird. First it’s a confident reporter for a shitty blog, then it’s a bird. I couldn’t do much about the guy, but I took care of the bird. End of story,” Biden said.

The man doing the interrupting was Neil Munro, a reporter for the conservative blog started by Tucker Carlson, called Daily Caller. Not a great publication, but they have been giving away a handgun to one lucky reader every week. The gun has the Second Amendment inscribed into its butt.

As for the bird, Biden said someone needed to take care of it. And take care of it, he did. Close listeners of the president’s speech noticed a suddenly quiet background. One second a bird was merrily chirping, the next moment it stopped, and didn’t start again.

Biden had found the old presidential BB gun that has been tucked away in the White House since 1901. The gun had been purchased by president William McKinley, who liked to shoot the shit out of old tin coffee cans. A rifle was too loud and conspicuous for a president, so Daisy’s BB gun fit the bill.

Since then, the gun has been used to take down whole families of barn swallows and other nest-building birds around the famous royal grounds. With gun in hand, Biden crept around the side of the White House, lowered himself on one knee, aimed, and knocked that boisterous birdie out of the tree. Very few spectators or official WH press members noticed the killing. Everybody was focused on Munro.

“I’m proud I could take out the problem without any hassle or big fuss. Only now, hours later, is there a fuss over me shooting a little bird. Let me give those people a news flash: there are plenty of birds out there. Doesn’t hurt to do a little thinning now and again,” Biden said.

What kind of a shooter is Biden? “I hit the birdie straight through the neck. It fell like an apple out of the tree and didn’t flop around on the ground even once. I’ve always been a good aim.”


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The Dear Dirty Newswire spits out surreal news items blending truthful ideas with a satirical premise. Nobody can control the old newswire from sputtering and printing barely readable, inky pages of news. DDA’s editors and administrators never dare question what it produces.

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