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Super Committee Vows to Kill Themselves After No Deal Made

November 22
07:06 2011
DEAR DIRTY NEWSWIRE

WASHINGTON — As the Nov 23 deadline came and went, the Super Committee members are hanging their heads in shame. None of the twelve members have outwardly admitted absolute failure, but in reality, says one anonymous congressional intern, no deal has been reached.

The intern also mentioned that the Super Committee members had collectively thrown their hands into the air and determined that they’d failed their country, and the citizens of the greatest country in the world.

“Basically what they decided,” he said, “is that they’re going to kill themselves. No other deal would be more suitable to the American public. It’s the only way, and each of the twelve members agrees. In their pursuit of serving only their party and its immediate interests, they have failed the people of this nation. That’s what they said, and they’ll leave the more official statement in their suicide note.”

Congress hasn’t been this ashamed since late August of this year, when the 5.9-magnitude earthquake shook the very foundations of Washington D.C., and the truth came out that every unemployed American had jumped in unison to cause the quake.

Despite the spokesman’s grim announcement, Rep. Xavier Becerra (D-Calif.) said, “I don’t think there’s failure yet. I believe that the elements of a deal — probably not as big as some of us would like — are still there.” The intern alluded to Becerra’s statement by saying, “A couple of the committee members have made allusions to the making of a smaller deal, but that’s just not going to happen. Time has run out. The members are disgraced. They have agreed on the best, final solution.”

The intern admitted that the committee members were still hammering out the details as to how they would end their disgrace, but that they were “well on their way” to making an agreement by the 23rd. He guessed they would not take a messy or painful way out. “I’m sure they’ll make it as painless as possible,” he said.

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