Lt John Pike Kidnapped: Thunder Overhead Claims Responsibility
Pike became famous after he hosed down a number of innocent, peacefully protesting students as they sat in a row. He sprayed and resprayed their faces and bodies with a large canister of the non-lethal fluid. Lt Pike issued a combative statement in which he called the protesters “hipsters” and “pussies”.
Thunder Overhead’s letter reads:
We’ve kidnapped John Pike. The sadistic pig. The Neanderthal police officer responsible for brutally spraying a toxic chemical over our fellow peaceful American citizens as if they were cockroaches. Currently, Pike sits in our basement. We’ve given him a rusty stool to sit on. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, so we’ve prepared a turkey for Mr Pike. Tonight, we felt it necessary to feed the offensive policeman, so we set before him fried chicken and potatoes. He began eating, and his lips were soon covered in grease. Then we told him that we had paid for that chicken with our own money, and out of the goodness of our hearts we wished for him to enjoy the meat, and have a fulfilling, nourishing meal. He stopped chewing immediately and spit out the masticated chicken in his mouth. He refused to touch again the food. The chicken and potatoes became anathema to him, as soon as he linked them to our goodness and kindness.
This was our experiment, and this is how we will torture Lt Pike: by showering him with kindness. Mr Pike is a brutish, nasty little man who knows only sadism and pain. He is so personally undeveloped that we can’t help but cry thinking about the sorrow and hatred he deals with everyday. How we proved this was by testing his reaction to goodness. Testing his response to kindness. He knows not what to do with it, or how to handle love. One of our most beloved members sat in the tiny concrete basement room with Mr Pike (his wrists and ankles are chained to the concrete floor by medieval metal cuffs) and told him she loved him, and that he was really a part of the 99 percent of Americans struggling to keep their jobs and paychecks and to keep food on the table.
Lt Pike vomited all over the front of his uniform at that point. He howled and yanked his arms backward, trying desperately to free himself from the torture of loving and kind words. Our most beloved member left him then, but she smiled and said she wished the very best for him, and that God would bless Mr Pike. It was at that point that we could, all of us, hear him from downstairs. He wailed like a man plagued with rabies. Our most beloved member said it was at that point he foamed at the mouth.
We’re going to fix Lt Pike, no matter how long it takes. We have kidnapped him, we have captured him. We are going to shower his blackened soul with love and kindness until it snaps in two. Only then can we build it back up again.
Thunder Overhead first came to fame this summer when they stole the greatest American president’s remains. His name was Ronald Reagan. The news networks gave the story almost no air time, even when the leftist terror group gave the ex-president a proper sea burial. They were worried that Reagan’s gravesite was becoming a right-wing shrine, and that he should be removed and hidden at once.
Famed and then exiled cultural philosopher Hubert Humdinger argued that Thunder Overhead’s scheme worked. “The GOP candidates are talking less and less about Reagan for fear the news about his remains being stolen will leak out and disenchant every right-wing, conservative voter in America. I dare say Ronald Reagan’s memory is fading from the American collective consciousness. I dare say.”
Since Humdinger’s statement, Reagan has been seen around the nation a handful of times. The news networks have not given this any coverage, either. The reports have been dubbed the Reagan Sightings. I wouldn’t have known about it, except I was in Dana Point, California one morning when I heard a lot of screaming and crying, and I followed the sounds to the beach where I caught the swooshing white tail of Reagan’s horse, and Reagans’ own fingers waving just above the water as he submerged back into the deep blue sea.
Some say Reagan never died, and that death isn’t a reality for real men. Others say the Thunder Overhead is just a hoax, and that no such left wing terror group exists.