Dear Dirty America

As we listen to this song together, we can give a toast to better days in 2025! Why so far into the future? You’d have to be crazy to promise something like more prosperous times in America earlier than 2025.

Either way, we’ve got to respect the mantra. Better days, just around the corner. You can almost smell them, kind of like you can smell the booze coming off of Michele Bachmann’s breath in the morning as she greets eager, unemployed Americans and squeezes their hands.

“How the heck are ya, then?” she asks, her boozy breath overwhelming to most of us who don’t heavily imbibe in alcohol. “We’re going to get ya back to work!” she says. “We’re in pretty darn rough shape, this country, under the leadership of Brack Bama.”

I hate to end this little piece on a Bachmann quote. So I will end it with a thought: If every unemployed American joined the military, the U.S. could start an anti-China army. With the Defense Dept’s enormous, unending flow of taxpayer dollars, we could adequately train and arm those millions of Americans and march them straight into China, an army 20 million strong.

We could give those folks a decent paycheck for storming China, and we would also put our country back on top. We would not only knock off our main competitor, but we could skip out on repaying our debt to China, and we wouldn’t have to worry about that nasty rumor that states the Chinese wish to “neutralize” the U.S. with a precision nuclear warhead strike. San Diego. Los Angeles. Chicago. New York. Miami. Barney, North Dakota.

As we say in America, “When the going gets tough, the tough worship Ronald Reagan.” This is especially true since there have been Reagan sightings (the most striking in Dana Point, California). And we thought it was going to be Jesus who came back to earth.