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Queen of England Takes on New, Surprising Responsibility

Queen of England Takes on New, Surprising Responsibility
September 12
18:18 2011

The Queen of England’s spokesperson made a wild statement to a small group of friends and family today that her Highness would no longer be relying on her many workers for assistance with all of her life processes. Elizabeth II, it was announced, would be “taking care of the cleaning of her own body immediately after using the toilet.”

Very few people know the true pampering and posturing the Queen receives from her many impoverished palace drones. They fluff her hair when she senses it’s flat. They carefully wedge her feet into her gold-plated shoes. The drones rub her shoulders for a few minutes of her every waking hour. When she needs relief, they pinpoint the exact type of relief and set straight upon the proper course of action. Her busy bees lift the cup of champagne to her lips. They wipe her lips. When the food is a bit tough — which it rarely ever is– the workers will set to mashing it with small metal “food softening” tools before bringing it to the Queen’s waiting saliva-shined lips. They rub her sternum in order for her food to go down better. Not that the Queen isn’t able enough to handle the complete act of swallowing.

This is everyday life for Queen Elizabeth II and those at the Windsor Castle. She’s virtually a slave without a moment to herself. She is constantly monitored by three of her trustiest drones (one witness, two official observers) to make certain she doesn’t stop breathing.

The royal spokesman was candid when he explained the Queen’s desire to take on some of her own, very personal responsibilities. “It is the Queen’s wish,” he said, “that she carry out some of the more intimate actions that most humans are allowed to carry out. It is the Queen’s wish to establish her independence after so many years of being afflicted with constant care.” The spokesman had a rare lapse in formality when he suddenly coughed. He quickly tried to cover it. “In frank and real terms, the Queen wishes to wipe her own butt after using the toilet.”

Elizabeth II had made the same official request in 1994, but the request was rejected by the Royal Family Council on the grounds that a queen, especially England’s, should never risk getting her hands filthy with her own excrement. Seventeen years later, the Royal Family has respected the Queen’s wish and has granted it.

Although the Queen’s wish has finally come true, the three observers will still be present in the bathroom. It is rumored Pope Benedict XVI will consider demanding the same freedom.

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