Dear Dirty America


Starbucks Speeding Up Time, Rushing Us Toward the Apocalypse?

Starbucks Speeding Up Time, Rushing Us Toward the Apocalypse?
November 25
10:07 2015

Escondido, CA

Nobody’s saying Starbucks is working to bring the Antichrist into physical existence, which is what you might have garnered from the title, with that hideous word ‘apocalypse’ squatting at the end.

The main question is: Is Starbucks trying to speed up our seasons and spin out the precious days of our lives even faster in a caffeine-fueled, holiday-thumping, corporate-fascist frenzy? And does that have something to do with the end of time?

It seems so. But don’t ask their employees if you want an answer. All I ever get is a wacky look.

Starbucks_DrinkingHere’s circumstantial proof:

The Thanksgiving Blend had been introduced the first week of November and brewed for a week before it was pulled off the shelves of the stores in my area (I checked most of them, not all), and replaced with the nauseatingly-early chipper Christmas Blend.

If that’s not a raw attempt to thrust us even more quickly into the howling red and white striped future, I don’t know what is.

What’s next, as soon as Thanksgiving is over, will they introduce a springy Easter Blend 2016 and boot the Christmas Blend off the shelves?

I don’t even like Starbucks. My favorite coffee is Peet’s. That should have been mentioned right away. Starbucks’ swagger sickens me like seeing a pair of rotten teeth behind a pageant-winning smile.

I also believe Melville would have been beside himself trying to figure out if it is honorable for one of his literary characters to be linked to peddling shiny junk and hollow ideas, par excellence, or if that somehow muddied the waters of his career.

For my two cents, Moby Dick should be off limits for corporate America. As with Mozart and Bach and Omar Khayyam and Rumi and Picasso. Some things should not be exploited to turn a buck. Or billions of bucks. That’s what Yanni is for. And Celine Dion.

Though it should be said for disclosure, when I’m driving through Scottsbluff, Nebraska, you’d better believe I’m thankful for Starbucks coffee. It’s the best coffee for one thousand square miles, and it will take me over the long and lonely highway with just a little more enthusiasm. But when you’re not desperate, and if you’re a person who thinks in more than one dimension at a time, you’ll feel the menacing vibe. The colorful, pleasurable pulse of an energetic Satan, as undetectable yet as present as WiFi.

There are warning signs, such as, the corporate scheme to make you part with more money than you intended just by the arrangement of the highly orchestrated decorations and bland products. Or, the neutered, toneless music meant to bubble within you the false sense of merrymaking—that kitschy “we’re all in this together” charade that seems to help credit cards almost swipe themselves.

Also, the eager people exchanging money for drinks they’ve convinced themselves they absolutely cannot liveStarbucks_Line without. And the young men and women behind the counter milked of their vitality to step faster, stir harder, and pour quicker to prove they can cut the mustard in the company and be eligible for promotion to a manager’s position, so they can work more holidays and let more precious hours of their lives dribble by for not much more pay.

With a precise clarity and the right set of eyes, you can almost see Starbucks as the future servicer of a world chained under a globalist, technocratic dictatorship where every iron fist is wrapped in the promising veneer of stately, velvety capitalism and controlled by super-encrypted computer code.

All the world’s services will be handled by a handful of global monopolies, and it will be the green and white coffee cup used to power the progress of humanity toward building the tools and infrastructure of our own enslavement.

If you don’t understand what I mean, you’ll never get it.

My good friend, the cultural philosopher Hubert Humdinger, has repeatedly said something like the following:

“In the decades to come, they’ll say, the final battle to enslave humanity was not ultimately won by the blasting of rockets, the burning of fuel, nor blitzing nations with armored tanks and armed men, but it was ushered in with the smells of fresh coffee and the clattering of keyboards dictating computer code.”

At least that’s the impression I’m getting when I step into Starbucks in 2015 and find they’ve already been ordered to remove Thanksgiving Blend from the shelves and hurtle us into an even deeper, extended period of the holiday (i.e. more time for shopping) season.

But why is this a bad thing?

Let’s get a little wisdom on why speeding up our seasons is sinister. Our seasons are, after all, culturally sanctioned markers of time, are they not?


Albert Goodwin, 1903

They act as rest areas along the tedious roadway of life that stretches out before us in so many days and months. Some of those rest areas are glitzy, and some we buzz on by. But what if you’re duped to drive faster, push on longer to the next rest stop, without taking a sense of joy and a full breath of fresh air during the holiday you’re already in?

Is making haste not the act of deconstructing the pleasantness of the moment? What are we rushing toward? The next year? Another year closer to our deaths?

Prophet Muhammad said that one sign of the end times is that time would speed up. “The Hour will not begin until time passes quickly, so a year will be like a month, and a month will be like a week, and a week will be like a day, and a day will be like an hour, and an hour will be like the burning of a braid of palm leaves.”

Many have speculated what that means. They’ve asked, What is time? Is it a tangible substance? Is it merely perception? Islamic scholars have many interpretations, and one that seems fitting for today is that a person will get less benefit in a day than he used to get in an hour. As I wheedle and deedle past one flitting byte of information after another, and scroll with my mouth hanging open past another sunset picture or pasta dish gleaming away in the Facebook feed, I can’t help but feel there’s good sense in that statement.

Some say the Prophet’s words also takes on a literal meaning, and refer to our high speed of travel that has shrunk the seeming size of the earth by placing a person thousands of miles from where he began in only a matter of hours.

Other philosophers, such as the exiled Hubert Humdinger, use very tangible experience to compare and measure the passage of time. “It still takes the same damned amount of slow minutes to heat up my split pea soup on the stove in the evening today as it did in 1959,” Humdinger told me over our shaky Skype connection from his remote, undisclosed location in Northern Europe.

“Ever heard of a microwave?” I asked him, to which the old philosopher genteelly replied that he didn’t consider that proper cooking.

Still others say the speeding up of time refers to the fast pace that information travels across the earth. There is something called the Jumping Jesus theory, that speculates time can be measured by the speed of information. A piece of information would have taken thousands of years to get all the way around the world in the time before Jesus, but now it takes a second to be everywhere.

Taking in information is a way we measure our existence and role in our perceived reality, so the more information about the world, the faster we develop that understanding, and that, in a way, could speed up our understanding of ourselves, making time seem to move faster.

Either way, being conscious of the signs of the times around us is an exercise in awareness and reflection. It’s especially helpful in determining possible causes behind the confusing, backward game plan employed this year by Starbucks in presenting its annual Thanksgiving Blend coffee, and then replacing it within days with its 2015 Christmas Blend before Thanksgiving even arrived.

If that’s not the speeding up of time, again, I don’t know what is. And their employees are tight-lipped on the subject.

What I’m not trying to say is that Starbucks has a role in the coming of the apocalypse, or that Starbucks will be lovingly endorsed and drank publicly by the Antichrist and his administration after nuclear war cripples the world powers and global government is established under the auspices to bring peace and prosperity once more to humanity.

I’m especially not saying Starbucks will weather that ‘end of times’ storm under the protective, demonic wing of the Antichrist just because they seem to be proponents of speeding up time, and hastened his arrival, just as they are the best qualified to expertly fuel the masses to produce what needs to be produced on a global scale.

I’m not saying any of that, and you should put it out of your mind right now.

But nothing’s impossible, and there should be ample speculation on Starbucks’ role in the end of times, because their coffee game plan is baffling.

[Starbucks’ line of greedy peasants photo from Raysonho @ Open Grid Scheduler / Grid Engine; Starbucks in the trash header photo from Tony Webster; man drinking Starbucks photo from Jaume Ventura]

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